Episode 8 - As Long as You’ve Got A TV, Can We Watch Friends? By Island Heat

This is not an official CBS summary. It is, however, the official summary of the Sydney Olympics, the NFL, and former United States Senator Paul Coverdell.

To be honest, I was thinking of caving to the survivorsucks.com folks who think multiple summaries aren’t cool. But then I thought, “Nah.”

Do you remember the fat asthmatic kid in the fifth grade who always raised his hand when the teacher asked a question, breathed through his mouth, and carried a Peanuts lunchbox?

Basically, that was me, except now I’m a financially independent lobbyist with a gym bod and a lunchbox worth several hundred bucks.

I am still, however, an attention whore.

Enough! On to the show.

Tonight’s episode begins with a new voice over intro from JP.
“Sixteen Americans marooned for 39 days in the middle of the South China Sea. Separated into two tribes, Tagi and Pagong, they competed against each other to remain on the island. Now the tribes have merged into one, Rattana is the name, and no one has a fucking clue as to what it means. Every third night, the entire tribe will hike deep into the jungle to take part in Tribal Council, where Dicque and Truckerina will tell them who to vote off the island. And like sheep, they will obey, the victim helpless as an innocent death row inmate in Texas. Do I care? Not really. More people watch this crap than ‘Rock-n-Roll Jeopardy.’”

Scenes from last week. The only interesting thing about this is that it emphasized the new Survivor words like a vocabulary or spelling lesson from Jr. High School English Class. “Greg won the first immunity talisman. (T-A-L-I-S-M-A-N.)” “Rudy was not happy with the new Rattana Tribe (S-T-U-P-I-D N-O-N-S-E-N-S-E N-A-M-E).” “It was Gretchen who was ousted (N-O-T G-E-R-V-A-S-E).” “But the Tagi alliance (R-I-C-H) was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” “Nine members of Rattana are left, tonight one more will go (G-R-E-G).”

The episode opens with Sean and Jenna discussing the last tribal council. According to Jenna, “Last night there was a conspiracy. Maybe I’m being paranoid and I didn’t want to believe it, but four people from Tagi voted for Gretchen, I think.” Gee, the clue phone doesn’t have to ring too long for this rocket scientist, huh? Sean concurs, because “there’s no good reason, other than strategy, to vote Gretchen off.” Yeah, and strategy would be so stupid with a million bucks at stake. Yeah, Dr. Strangelove, alphabetical order is a MUCH better idea.

Gervase claims, however, that, “I don’t really know what happened last night.” Either the heat is making him stupider, or he is the Survivor version of Forrest Gump ®.

While Rudy and Rich expound on Gretchen’s strength and likelihood of winning as a threat and the cause of her demise, Kelly (exhibiting rare lucidity in this episode) says that if people came to make friends, they should have gone to summer camp. The heat must be having the opposite effect on her, cause she’s finally got it. (I should mention here that my own memories of summer camp consist of being called nasty nicknames, having my underwear stolen, and sharing a wet, unpleasant kiss with some chick from New Jersey who was probably a contributing factor in my preference for men.)

Gervase, still diffident, claims that if it happens again, they’ll know for sure that there’s an alliance. I think this guy gets confused by the concept of dry cleaning, or second cousins.

Get a clue, dude, do you need a train to hit you?

Kelly, Jenna, Sue, and Colleen go fishing, interspersed with camera-confessionals. The women, Sue claims, are doing all the work, which is true. This must be what Brazil was like in the days of Isis. Sue also tells us that she likes Jenna better than she thought she would: “I thought she’d drive me wild. (And not in a homosexual way. I swear. I’m married.)” More on Sue’s husband later.

The girls catch crabs which, incidentally, Colleen already caught from Greg.

Dicque goes out and catches four fish, which he still hasn’t stopped talking about to this day. In front of the Rhode Island Supreme Court, fighting for custody of his son, Rich yells, “But I caught four fish at once.”

Judge: "Reviewing Dr. Kenniff's testimony, I see it was only three fish. One was a ray. Catch something that looks like a fish."

Enter Rich with the fish. Cue delirium. And cheery island rhythms.

Colleen decried the “inhumane” way the fish are killed. What are they gonna do, lethal injection?

Greg and Rich go for a walk. (CLUE: Gretchen did this intimate meandering with Rich last week on the way to tree-mail. Evidently, anyone strolling alone with Rich should start packing.) Meanwhile, Jenna tells us that she’s seen a big change in Greg, and the change is so transparent. Yeah, cause he was complex before.

Colleen denies that she is wrapped around Greg’s finger. What the ##### is going on? Kelly starts telling the truth and everyone else begins to lie.

Rich sees that Greg is manipulative, but claims Greg is not bright enough to succeed. Rich, however, would like to spend more time with Greg and get to know him, and although it’s too soon to discuss commitment, maybe one moonlit night, out on the beach, Greg will show Rich his Pagong. Whatever. Rich eschews Greg for the money. Hey, a million bucks can buy a lot of sex.

Finally, a clue about the reward challenge. The pontificating was getting so annoying I was actually looking forward to seeing that Stacey commercial again. The challenge is archery (and the target, coincidentally of course, is made of rattan, available this week at Target ®, price $19.95, annoying castaways not included.) The prize is “something from home.” Personally, I would have laughed my ass off if it turned out to be dirty dishes left in the sink or twenty-three days worth of overflowing cat litter.

When JP arrives (I still think he’s kinda hot, in a homosexual way that's for sure), he tells them that they each get one shot, closest to the bulls’-eye wins a video made by their relatives. Except for Jenna, whose daughters didn’t make a video. She will, however, have an opportunity to rent Scream 3. Cue tears.

Sweetheart, if you’re so upset, why the hell did you fly halfway across the globe to play “Lord of the Flies” with a bunch of over-the-hill-Real-World-rejects?

Now the fun part. Before the challenge, everyone gets to see a short clip of their video (where did they plug in the tv?). I’m still laughing.

The first one up is Rich’s son, and all I can say is, at about 8:26pm EDT, public opinion shifted in his favor. I only had to look at that kid for 30 seconds and I wanted to chase him up a hill and strangle him.

Dicque Jr. is followed by Kelly’s boyfriend, looking like one of those Greenpeace or USPIRG guys that go door-to-door trying to save the earth from aluminum cans. Screw global warming, man, I need my Diet Coke. He wants her to come home so they can go kayaking. Buddy, watch the show. She’d sink like a safe.

Next up is Greg’s sister. Nice to know Angelina Jolie and her creepy brother aren’t alone.

After this “Flowers in the Attic” travesty, we finally meet Sue’s husband, confirming the following things:

1. Sue’s husband wrote the crappy poetry for the challenges;

2. Wal-Mart ® furniture can support the weight of an entire congressional district;

3. There is no need to wonder why Sue ran off to Malaysia;

4. Sue is, hopefully, a lesbian; and

5. When given the choice between a kiss from your husband and one from the dog, Rover is sometimes the better choice.

Anyone’s family who followed that act would look normal, thankfully for Colleen, whose parents were obviously understudies in one of those Stepford Wives movies.

Rudy’s wife is next, dressed as if she just got off work at a one-room schoolhouse. She tells him he forgot to mow the lawn before he left and there’s plenty of work to be done when he gets home and having him gone has been a real pain in the ass.

Rudy smiles for the first time since Stacey got the boot.

Sean’s family tries to be funny, then tells him to come home soon, but not too soon. Evidently, they can’t stand him either.

The next part, I must admit, was really cute. Gervase’s daughter and girlfriend. I’m surprised they even noticed he was gone. I figure they thought he was just out for a run and it took him the usual 23 days.

Like I said, no video for Jenna. Cue tears. Annoying, whiny bitch.

On to the challenge. Greg comes fairly close to the target, while half the castaways miss it entirely. Jenna, determined to win so she can at least send a video home, takes an arrow, pulls back on the bow, and shoots JP directly in the Pagong. Ok, not really, but that would have been more fun. Greg wins.

I can’t even recap the showing of the video from Greg’s sister. Suffice it to say, their mother must have done A LOT of drugs in the 70s.

Day 24 brings more tears from Jenna, more fish from Rich, more work from Susan, more rest for Gervase, and the immunity challenge. The challenge is a race where the castaways must hook onto a rope and go through five check points, first to the finish line wins. This was convoluted and confusing to watch, and it’s clear the producers are running out of challenge ideas. What’s next? Bobbing for rats? Name all three maids from Diff’rent Strokes? The captions at the bottom of the screen were funny, though. I especially liked it when they showed Greg with the caption, “Currently Lost.” Yeah, in more ways than one. I think he's been forgetting to wash the fruit before he eats it.

Gervase books through the jungle. Guess all that rest helped him out. Run Forrest, run!

Gervase wins. Jenna comes in second. More tears.

Annoying, whiny bitch.

When we return from commercial, we’re greeted with pre-tribal council angst. Kelly says that tribal council makes her feel like a backstabber, like a liar. Well said.

Colleen notices that some people are really nervous. Immediately it hits me that, in the movie version, Colleen will be played by the kid from the Sixth Sense.

Rudy talks next. With his brusque attitude and crustiness, I think he should be played by Bea Arthur.

Kelly and Dicque acknowledge that only after this vote will they be invincible. How theme-song-from-The-Legend-of-Billie-Jean.

After Greg (who could also be played by the kid from the Sixth Sense) talks about self-preservation, Kelly acknowledges that you can’t have integrity and play this game. Gee, once that girl picked up the clue phone, she got an earful. Susan, however, wonders if Kelly is about to crack. Yeah, that Kelly’s been a real rock all along.

Out at the water hole, Gervase, Colleen, and Sean, discuss a counter alliance. Colleen says they have the upper hand because they have four people right now and can get the next person off. Get real, this bunch couldn’t agree on picking a video from Blockbuster ®.

Out at Tribal Council (NOTE: not to gloat, but I told y’all that final nine picture was Episode 8.) JP asks Richard how to balance ruthlessness with the likeability needed to win. Dicque, after mentioning, big surprise, the fish he catches, says that first, you grab people by the neck, then you make them run until they puke like Ramoaner on a good day.

Asked the same question, Gervase says he's winging it. Life on an desert island’s like a box a chocklits, right, Gerv?

JP askes Sue, “straight up,” if there’s an alliance. Sue, summoning all her integrity, lies. Badly.

JP then asks Kelly the same question. Kelly, for whom lying should be old hat by now, can barely muster shaking her head no. Hon, if you can hang with Rudy after voting for him twice, you should be able to lie when you’re this close to a million bucks. You can’t make that kind of dough rowing fat tourists down the river and selling crappy beaded necklaces out of the back of a VW van.

As a quick aside, what is it with these marshmallows? Can't they lie a little better? They have slept on sand, eaten vermin and rodents, and puked on national tv. They have revealed sexual histories, lugged firewood, and displayed enough flaccid flesh to guarantee long term advertisements for Jenny Craig (Call now for our new "Desert Island" plan...price of rats not included.) Yet they stumble at the slightest untruth as if they were character witnesses at the Clinton impeachment.

Colleen confesses that she couldn’t stab people in the back or play sides for a million dollars. Moron. What the hell did you come here for? The food? The climate? Suck it up, Pollyanna and get a little dirty.

The vote. The trumped up suspense. Sean’s ridiculously moronic alphabetic voting. (Can't you see him practicing medicine? "Well, you have a brain tumor. We could try aspirin or surgery. Since aspirin begins with an "A", let's try that and hope your head doesn't explode.") We see three people vote for Jenna. The only alliance member whose vote we see is Rich’s. Obviously unaffected by Greg’s charm, Rich votes his tight little butt off the island. Guess whose going home to Angelina.

The results: Greg-6, Jenna-3.

There goes another hour of my life I’ll never get back. Aw, hell, I probably just would have wasted it doing something meaningful. Like laundry.

Next week on Survivor: Cracks begin to form in the Alliance.

Yeah, it was a good idea to put your fate in Kelly’s hands.