Episode 7 - Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen By Island Heat

Okay, I thought this would be a fun episode to write about. Merger. Politics. The ouster of Gretchen. That’s right Gretchen. Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen.

But I’m not one to gloat.

I can understand how some people might have seen Gretchen rather than Gervase in the final 9 picture..

Cracked out freaks.

We open with a recap of last week:

Everyone’s thinking about the merge. I suppose it’s a distraction from thinking about food. Or sleeping with Colleen.

Rich was “flexing his voting alliance muscles.” Did JP not see this episode? Rich was flexing a muscle alright, but the only alliance it concerned was a union with Dr. Smoothchest ®.

“And at Pagong, Gervase made a comment that upset his female tribemates.” So they united to vote off…Joel. It’s official, CBS ® has located the 16 stupidest people in America. If you don’t count the cast on Big Brother ®. (Is that show still on the air by the way?)

“On the eve of the merge, ten are left. Who will be the first voted out of the newly formed tribe?”

GRETCHEN GRETCHEN GRETCHEN.

Cut to opening credits. The only thing interesting about these credits is:

1. They leave the discards in.
2. Ramoner is not vomiting in her clip.
3. Jenna looks, just a little, like a Fraggle ®.

Commercials. Now, I was about to give up on jokes about the commercials. Then, Stacey Stillman comes jogging across my screen, a sight I had hoped to never see again. Actually, I’m kind of impressed she did the ad and poked a little fun at herself, but don’t you think it could have been funnier if she plucked a leech of that guy and ate it?

The show opens with Jeff telling us its day 19 (cause I can’t read the words at the bottom of my screen that says “Day 19”) and that Survivor has reached a turning point. Yeah, they finally have more viewers age 18–34 than they do castaways. Proving:

1. Everybody does NOT love Raymond; and
2. The television tastes of my generation have not improved since “Facts of Life.”

But, no, Jeff is talking about the merger. For crying out loud, he talks about this merger so darn much you’d think some internet service provider had joined forces with a magazine and entertainment conglomerate. According to JP (who I, still, embarrassingly, have a crush on) there are many questions to be answered. Among them:

Where will they live? What will this new tribe call themselves? Will they ever eat something that doesn’t totally disgust me? Does anybody but Greg ever get a little Pagong on this Island?

To handle the merger, a representative of each tribe will serve as an ambassador. Where the ##### do they come up with this? I swear they’re trying to foment more drama than a Middle East Peace Summit. I think the same people who write this show report for USA Today ®. Tagi chooses Sean. Undoubtedly because they want him gone for a while so they can figure out when the rest of them are gonna boot him. Pagong chooses Jenna. Because, quite frankly, with all that cheerfulness, she’s becoming an annoying bitch.

Greg guides Sean to Pagong beach, while Jenna is guided to Tagi by Kelly. I guess cause Kelly’s a river guide. It’s surprising they didn’t get lost in the jungle and eaten by monitor lizards.

Rich says that they’ll definitely choose Tagi to live at. Because they have a better house. (How does one have a better self-constructed house on a desert island? Fewer rats?) Tagi also has, according to Dicque, a better living room, kitchen, conservatory and day spa. Rich also plugs himself by highlighting that Tagi has fish. Does this guy get even a little tired of self-aggrandizement?

Sean explains Tagi to Greg, highlighting Sue’s tendency to speak her mind. If I were Greg, I’d cast my next vote for myself.

Sue indicates that she’s happy to have company drop by, and frets that there might not be enough for lunch. Yeah, I know how she feels. Doesn’t it suck when you look forward to having someone spontaneously pop in to your pile of twigs and leaves and, lo and behold, there isn’t enough vermin to go around?

The “kicker”, according to Sue, would be if Dicque gets fish. He’s brainwashed these folks. Even Kelly describes Rich as a “sweetheart” who’s “so easy going.”

Not only is Kelly a shitty “river guide,” she’s a moron.

Cut to Pagong, where Colleen is excited to see Sean. Sean is so excited to be Tagi-free. He hugs everyone.

Puke.

Greg and Gervase show Sean the Pagong toilet facilities, which are moved, “never,” according to Greg.

Charming.

At Tagi, Jenna asks to see Rudy’s kitchen. He grunts permission, so long as Jenna wipes her feet. Yeah, it would be a shame to get that sand floor all dirty.

The house tour continues, but, other than interjections of Jenna’s perkiness, it’s way too boring to cover. For lunch, Tagi and Jenna dine on delicious fish to cheery island rhythms. We flash back and forth to Sean at Pagong, where music is absent, indicating that after this meal of rancid milk, roots, and dirt, everyone’s moving to Tagi.

After lunch, the tribes question the ambassador. When Jenna, sincerely asks about a Tagi alliance to pick of Pagong, Dicque looks her straight in the eye, and lies his ass off.

The Tagi 4 discuss their alliance, making plans to pick off Sean shortly after booting one or two Pagongs. Sean is against an alliance because it’s not ethical.

Kiss that money good-bye Dr. Values.

The ambassadors depart for the sand spit ®, where they are greeted by an ample meal of lobster, bread and potatoes. Gee, and Jenna had lobster for lunch. Cheer up, hon, maybe you can have some sausage later. This, however, is not meant to be. Despite CBS plying Dr. Nipplering ® and Jenna the Fraggle ® with 4 bottles of wine (yeah, this is smart, let’s give a lot of liquor to people who’ve spent 19 days eating sticks and rice) and giving them a tent and beds for the night, Jenna holds on to her virtue, leaving Sean to take his virtue into his own hands.

On the sand spit ®, Sean and Jenna must pick a new tribe name, paint a new flag, decide which camp to live at, choose three items from the non-chosen campsite to bring along, and write three color war songs before the last bonfire.

Whatever.

I should mention that Pagong was pissed that Jenna didn’t come home before curfew. Tagi, however, did not miss Sean in the least.

Big surprise.

In the morning, Sean and Jenna arrive at Pagong with the news that Pagong will be moving to Tagi beach where they will live under the new name of “Rattana”, because rattan is indigenous to the island and CBS wants Pier One to sponsor Survivor II.

Greg, however, is pissed that Jenna and Sean are talking about the great food that they ate on the sand spit ® while the rest of Pagong ate crap. Gretchen expresses happiness at moving and was glad to be a Pagong even though at first she thought she’d be more comfortable at Tagi. She looks forward to the merger.

Fool.

The castaways begin to set up Rattana ®, which means the women rebuild the hut, carry the wood, and make introductions while the guys sit around chatting and playing cards. Gretchen ties knots. Sue works on the roof. Dicque flirts with Gervase.

At night, the Rattanas sit around telling stories, mostly about sex. Everyone but Rudy, that is, who hasn’t had sex since the Ford administration. Gretchen evidently told a story about drinking a fifth of whiskey. Somebody keep her away from the hotel bar on the 21st night. Sean, evidently turned down a three way with two women once.

Now, let me interject something here. Even though I’m gay, I know a lot of straight guys. Isn’t this situation, like, every straight guys fantasy? So long Superpole ®, hello Mediocrepole.

Morning brings the immunity challenge. With some changes. Now, immunity will be:

1. Individual, with;
2. The winner allowed to vote;
3. But will be protected from being voted off by some ugly-ass immunity talisman (read: necklace) that looked like it was bought along the Florida turnpike.

Also, somewhere in here, Rudy says something will be a “pain in the ass” for the fourth time this episode.

For immunity, the Rattanas ® (this name is growing on me. It would make a good name for Josie and the Pussycats if they ever reunite. Unless they go to outer space again. That sucked.) must hold their breath underwater. The last three to emerge have to do an underwater race.

Very little excitement here.

Greg wins.

And so we’re off to tribal council.

Gee, who’s gonna go.

Now, I must admit. It failed to dawn on me before watching this, that this would really be the first vote without a clear loser or only two obvious choices. Everyone was going to have different opinions. Jeffy asks some questions that sounded like they were ripped off from The View.

The vote. 6 different people get one vote. Gretchen gets 4. If the non-alliance castaways weren’t sure of an alliance before, it’s gotta be clear to them now.

Even Sean. When Gretchen got 4 votes, it dawns on him, as well as Jenna, that something’s up.

Duh.

See ya, Gretch.

Next week: does Greg trade some Pagong for a Taste of Tagi?