Episode 5 - God Help Me By Island Heat

Admittedly, I wrote this without rewatching the tape.

I didn't need to.

I managed to make linguine, explain the show to my boyfriend, and still retain enough to recap this Episode.

It's morning, Day 13, and Pagong has finally gotten a good night's sleep. They probably weren't able to before because of all the Ramoaning. Except for Greg. Since he and Colleen have mistaken this show for a remake of the Blue Lagoon, I am sure he's managed to roll over and sleep like a baby.

All men are the same.

Poor Colleen, she never should have let him near her Pagong.
At Tagi, everyone is hungry and irritating, um irritated. Dirk looks like he just emerged from Anne Frank's attic and Sean's nipple ring is beginning to look like a door knocker. Susan, however, is the most pissed off.

Pause here to register your utter surprise.

She's hungry and tired of looking for food when Sean and Dirk haven't managed to catch a single fish.

Susan: Three days you went fishing, and didn't catch anything. It's a waste of time.

Sean: We went out again to day.

Susan: Did you catch anything?

Dirk: No, ma'am.

Susan: It's a waste of time.

Sean: Well it's better than eating those damn roots you keep digging up.

Susan: At least it's food, or weeds, or dirt. Does it matter? We're starving. In a few days Dicque will be able to model for GQ and my breasts will have completely disappeared.

Rudy: You have breasts? I thought you were a guy.

Dirk: That would be a sin.

Susan glares at Dirk and visualizes a footlong hot dog. (Everyone sees the unintended sexual innuendo in this but Dirk.)

Somewhere in here, Kelly proseltyzes about Tagi being a struggle between the people who do work for the camp, and the people who don't. Hey Kelly, don't forget the people with no spine, hon.

Also, Rudy comments that bringing a bible was stupid unless you planned on using it for toilet paper. I'll have to remember that the next time I run out of Charmin.

Anyway, Susan tells them to go for tapioca, or maybe butterscotch, or call Sally Struthers and have her do a commercial that shows them wasting away. Or at least have Sally dump the leftover candy out of her purse.

Just in the nick of time, JP arrives with:

1. A note about a reward challenge, which he nails to a tree, abandoning tree-mail for the Maylaysian version of an instant message.

2. Some spears and slingshots, which the Tagians (Tagiites?) momentarily consider using on him. (Mmm...tastes just like rat.)

3. A smug factor of 6.5.

The reward will be food.

Susan practically orgasms and starts Ramoaning.

Practice for the challenge ensues.

Sean turns out to be pretty good with the blowgun. Take one more look at that shaved chest and nipple ring and you can figure out how he's practiced for this all his life.

Dicque (who should also be good with a blowgun) is handy with the slingshot. After all, it can be difficult to hit a moving 6 year old.

Susan takes the spear, always "having wanted to kill a pig with one of these things." Dicque hides. Susan confesses that she didn't want the pressure of this challenge, and hoped she'd be good at nothing. She's close. She also relishes the possibility that she'll go up against a guy and "dog him." No comment.

Anyway, Tagi shaping up to be olympians at fruit-shooting.
Dicque hides. Meanwhile, Pagong seems so inept, that immediately you know they'll win.

Joel takes the spear, admitting he's never thrown one before.

Really? It's the most popular piece of equipment at my gym. He's so bad, he looks like he couldn't even hit Dicque from 20 paces.

Jenna and Gretchen take the blowgun and slingshot respectively. If I were a different kind of boy, I'd let Jenna practice her technique on...anyway....

On to the challenge, which looks like it was ripped off from Battle of the Network Stars, or at least Laff-a-lympics.

JP appears and explains the rules. Smug factor: 7.

Much fruit-shooting ensues.

It turns out the fruit garnered in the slingshot-at-fruit and the blow-at-fruit challenges will be winner take all in the spear contest. The closest to the bullseye after three throws wins all the fruit and "a mystery food source." I figured it was a bunch of below minimum wage workers for a Pulau Tiga McDonald's. Then I remembered most folks in SouthEast Asia already work for Kathie Lee.

There's no way to make much excitment out of this. Joel "dogs" Susan. Pagong finally has food, although they'll miss the enjoyment of watching Ramona recycle it. Taste the rainbow.

And the mystery food source turns out to be three live chickens.

They're thrilled, and immediately begin discussing eggs. Screw that, man. If I had barely eaten for twelve days, I wouldn't even bother to pluck those suckers before I threw them on the fire.

We'll be right back after these survivor-themed messages for products that will be making a guest appearance on the show before episode 13.

Jenna faces the camera and confesses she wanted to win the food more than any other reward challenge. Too bad you don't have any spices for that chicken.

More talk of eggs.

Just kill the damn chickens already.

Dirk needs the blood to sacrifice himself.

Winning has seemed to improved Pagong spirits.

Over at Tagi, Susan ramoans about losing by two inches. Honey, I've been there. They're hungry, so Dicque goes spear fishing and catches an eel.

Direct quote: "I'd rather have eel than chicken"---Kelly.

I'd take a drink every time she lied, but I'd be plastered every Wednesday by 8:15. "At least we eat stuff we catch ourselves."

Yeah, it's so difficult to hunt garlic and sage.

Dicque overcooks the eel. He makes himself run 4 miles. Rudy says he'd rather have chicken. It's like Kelly said, he's crabby but he's honest.

At Pagong, Greg has apparently become the de facto leader. Making him the least likely candidate for leadership since George W. Bush. Greg has achieved this distinction, dubiously, because he's comfortable in the woods. I guess their second choice would have been a monkey. Wait, there first choice is kind of a monkey.

Greg claims he gets no psychological comfort from sleeping with the group in a hut. Of course not, it comes from sleeping in the forest with Colleen.

He says he sleeps in the woods and nests like a bird.

Make your own joke, I simply can't muster the energy on this one.

Colleen: "When we go off, it's all about sex." Duh. What else is there? Besides, what do they have to build a relationship on?
Imagine:

Colleen: Hi honey, what did you do today?

Greg: Oh, the usual, slept in a pile of leaves, looked for food, lost another sliver of my dignity, sanity, and reserve body fat. You?

Colleen: The same.

Awkward silence.

Greg: Wanna #####?

Back at Tagi, Richard taunts a snake, then throws him into the river. This would actually have been interesting to watch if it weren't immediately followed by Sean discussing his first bowel movement in 12 days.

Yuk.

The Tagitians (Tagarians?) comment they're losing weight, particularly Dirk. Dirk agrees he's definitely lost a lot of weight, but it will make it easier for them to nail him to his cross. He should have been speaking figuratively, cause it's gonna happen in about 16 minutes.

Richard is back talking about alliances, concurring with Susan that Sean should be the next to go. (Translation: They're voting for Dirk.)

Sean and Dirk search for tapioca. They search far. They search wide. They look in the woods, the jungle, the forest, the Ural Mountains, the Dark Continent, and the Crab Nebula. They come back with two wimpy roots.

Susan is PISSED. And hungry. Remembering that Susan expressed a desire to use the spear to slaughter a pig, Dicque hides.

More words from our sponsors, in case you didn't see their products on the show.

Back to tree-mail. Immunity challenge is coming. Something about rafting and swimming, tipping the viewer off immediately that:

1. Gervase is gonna be in the boat, no matter what

2. Kelly's rowing for Tagi. Since she's a white water rafting guide, clearly, they're gonna lose.

Sean, who studied elocution with G.W. Bush says they'll win handily and not have to go to the "immune council."

Huh?

Kelly correctly assumes that Gervase will row and that she can "beat him any day of the week."

Take a drink.

If I ever meet her, I hope she has military secrets. I figure she'd hand them over for a compliment and some Chiclets.

They're gonna lose.

Pagong is discussing strategy. Gervase is not gonna swim.

Pause to register your utter surprise.

On to the challenge. JP explains the rules of "Distress Signal" or some equally stupid name ripped off from a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Smug factor: 8.75. The rowers row past the swimmers, to a buoy, then on the return have to pick up their teammates. Gervase basically has all of Pagong back to shore in the span of time it takes for Kelly to change her mind. Or even get into her boat.

Much crying from Kelly. Time for a new day job. With her strong convictions, I suggest running for Congress.

Tagi's gotta boot someone.

Any guesses?

More sponsors.

Back to camp and we're getting ready for tribal council. Except for me. I just want someone to finally be Pa-gone so I can shut off the VCR and make out with my date. Maybe that'll compensate for exposing him to my dark addiction to this drivel.

Much hypothesizing on who's gonna go. Dirk's confident he'll be there tomorrow.

See ya.

Tribal Council, and JP has finally achieved maximum smug.

Questions ensue:

"Kelly, you're a river guide, how does it feel to blow it?"

"I don't know, I can't make up my mind about anything. Ask Susan."

"Sean, how do you feel?"

"Looking at you in your Sears-knock-off-Banana-Republic-circa-1983 clothes, kinda hot. If I make it through, let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Or like Greg and Colleen."

"Dirk, you spend a lot of time alone. Do you think about whether or not you fit in?"

"We are all God's children."

"Richard. 15 days, aren't alliances inevitable?"

"We don't really have alliances." Someone studied diplomacy under Kelly Wiglesworth.

Time to vote.

Dirk votes for Sue, cause she's bitching, or she's a bitch, or she's not his bitch. Whatever.

Sean votes for Rudy. He loves him to death, sorry, that was Stacey. I'm not really sure why. I don't speak his language. But after they boot him, he's welcome to come over to my house for linguine.

Kelly votes for Dirk.

Who ultimately loses with four votes.

In Confession, an element which probably made Dirk stiff, he claims it was fate, and God's plan, and whatever. He'll probably bypass the a.m. talk shows for Pat Robertson. What good is it to be a camera-fucker if you're not going to milk it. Speaking of which...

Next week: A Pagong is Pa-gone after calling one of the women stupider than a cow. Yeah, cause the men on the island are brilliant.

And at Tagi, Rich strolls naked.

Kinda makes you nostalgic for Ramoaner.