Episode
12 – I Am Curious, Nipple By
Island Heat
And the intro’s
back: “Sixteen Americans, eleven of whom are too dumb to understand
the ‘Outwit’ part of our slogan and therefore have been tossed
like marshmallows in a cat’s stomach, have been stranded in
the South China Sea….Every third night the entire tribe will
hike to Tribal Council where an alleged child abuser and a
petty thug will embarrass them on national television by voting
them off by landslides….In the end, only one will remain,
and will leave the island with One million dollars, several
product endorsements, and 15 enemies.”
Last week on Survivor:
Kelly pouted. Susan shouted. Colleen was outed (not in a homosexual
way, that’s fer sure.)
It’s day 34 at
Rattagi Beach and we open with the standard establishing shots
of the water. Thanks, Mr. Burnett, cause I’m dumber than a
titmouse with curvature of the brain and can’t remember from
last week, or even the credits you showed me 4 minutes ago,
that they’re on a f**king island.
The Tagi 5 (for
a fun game, compare them now to how they looked the last time
they lived alone here, in episode 6. You can now actually
count Sean’s ribs, and Rich looks like he’s joined Rosie’s
Chub Club.) have decided to take the “Rattana” flag down.
According to Rich, it’s “absolutely meaningless.” Sean concurs,
which cracks me up, ‘cause he came up with the stupid name.
For Rich there,
“never was a tribe. It just people playing a game.” This guy
knows nothing about gestalt. I get the feeling he’s the type
of guy who honks the second the light turns green, eats the
last cookie in the box, and rolls over to go to sleep before
you’re finished.
Apparently, everyone
is badmouthing each other and talking behind each other’s
back and trying to keep themselves in good favor while advocating
the sacrifice of someone else. It’s all very fourth grade:
“I saw you hanging out with the fat kid.” “You took my Garbage
Pail Kids.” “Kelly has cooties.” (This is true.) I feel like
I’m watching a reenactment of the Salem Witch Trials. Or tryouts
for Melrose Place: Desert Island.
Here’s how it boils
down:
1. Sean wants to
get rid of Sue.
2. If you betray Rudy, he’ll get even with you, apparently
assisted by some friends back home. And don’t you just want
to know what a lynch mob made up of elderly men would look
like? When they finally arrive, wheezing, at your door, they
pelt you with “donut” cushions and Geritol and spike your
drink with Metamucil.
3. On Melrose: Desert Island, Rich would be Amanda or Syndey,
but would have a lot less sex.
4. Kelly doesn’t trust Rich one bit, and “never has.” (Flashback,
Episode 4: “I trust you completely.”)
5. Sue truly has a huge head. An enormous head. A tie-a-string-to-it-and-float-it-over-Macy’s-on
Thanksgiving-Day-head.
6. The cheese stands alone.
And finally we
get a cat fight. Sue, in her 1920s beach wear that can’t hide
the sins of too many Stuckey’s Pecan Rolls, is telling Kelly,
wearing her trailer-park-heating-up-a-can-of-pork-and-beans-and-eating-a-corn-dog
doo rag (nothing says fashion like a bandanna!), that she
knows Kelly’s a backstabbing, nose-biting, thieving bitch.
Well, all but the last part. Sue does say she trusts Colleen
more than Kelly.
I miss Colleen.
Herewith, an ode:
Colleen gave one
hell of a try,
Though her legs were more crusty than pie,
The last of Pagong,
Got to ride on Greg’s schlong,
So jealous Rich sent her bye-bye.
The fight ends
with Sue ignoring Kelly and going off to fish. Of course!
That’s what her outfit needed! Swim fins and socks. With the
spear, the only accessory Sue is missing is an empty gin bottle.
I hope Vogue contacts her for fashion tips. Versace must be
spinning in his grave like a chicken on a spit.
In a camera confessional,
Sue says Kelly made them look like a bunch of idiots. Mind
you, she says this while shaving her leg, or more accurately,
her thigh. So I’m thinking, what the hell is growing up there?
I swig some Maalox
and push the pizza across to the cat.
I’d rather clean
up cat puke than watch this.
Meanwhile, Kelly
whines to Rich, who is in Sean’s words “the compassionate
gay guy.” Rich basically blows her off.
(Quick side note:
If you pause the video while Kelly’s in the hammock, her face
looks like “Beaker” from the Muppet Show.)
Fashion Sue gets
stung by a ray. She points to where it hurts with the knife,
and for a minute I think she’s going to chop her hand off.
Being sympathetic,
Kelly says at least Sue gets to eat the bastard. Apparently,
revenge is a dish best served with rice.
In addition to
being two-faced, everyone is ready to go home. Sean has never
been this long away from New York, and he rattles off a list
of what he misses, listing his favorite restaurant and the
people who work there before he mentions his friends and family.
Yeah, if they pick me for Survivor II, I’m sure I’ll be homesick
for my favorite waitress.
Logical inference:
Sean is a loser on any continent.
Cue commercial
hawking the same Dr. Scholl’s insoles Kelly won last week
for perching on a beam for three hours like vulture.
Day 35. Island-reinforcing
camera shots.
The reward challenge
clue arrives in the form of a pail of slop, which Sue and
Rudy fail to see the irony in. Sue even fails to see the clue
in it. But Rudy plunges right into that guk and gets the clue.
Here’s the deal:
for the fabulous prize of a beer, the castaways must transfer
mud from the mud volcano to their individual pails using only
their bodies.
Okay, now when
the Pagong folks romped in the mud in episode 4, there was
an erotic, soft-core feel to it. Now, especially with the
slow motion camera shots of the castaways writhing in the
mud, it feels more like a National Geographic special about
rhinos.
Note: Rich runs
like a girl and his man-breasts jiggle.
Kelly wins.
Apparently, the
mud romp has taken enough of the edge of for the crew to go
back to quietly plotting against each other.
After nightfall,
Kelly is taken away blindfolded by JP. From the boat, she
calls out “See you later,” in an affected accent that makes
her sound like Senor Wences.
Kelly and Jeff
arrive at “Survivor Bar,” which looks a little like that bar
from M*A*S*H* where Radar used to drink grape Nehi and HotLips
would occassionally slap Major Burns. For her big night out,
Kelly has chosen a sarong which looks an awful lot like she’s
wrapped herself in an old beach towel and reminds me of the
strange strapless outfits Joanne Whorley used to wear on the
$25,000 Pyramid back in the 70s. She tops it off with a string
necklace which she has apparently eaten all the candy off
of.
Hastily collected
group of natives earn their 45 cents and gawk.
She is served a
dish of macaroni, and even I feel a little bad for her. Colleen
got a barbecue, Sean got a gourmet meal, and poor, sad, horse-faced
Kelly gets 39 cents worth of noodles that provide the same
nutrition as the mushy rice she’s been eating out of a coconut
for 39 days.
Kelly doesn’t seem
to mind though, and she engage in conversation.
Kelly: “Mmm, pasta.
Is there all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks. They do that
at Olive Garden. Have you ever been? I could take you there.”
Every time I think
I can leave this incident alone, it becomes too difficult.
Note to Mark Burnett:
Idea for new reality series. Give Kelly someone else’s credit
card and have the police chase her around the country tracking
where the purchases come from. Instead of challenges, every
week she encounters a former castaway who hits her with a
stick to slow her down and, well, because it’s funny.
Kelly bitches about
Sue and the changing nature of the game, offering the astounding
insight: “We’re not evil, we just play bad people on TV.”
And in the restaurants
and trailer parks of middle America.
Kelly also gets
to see the beginning of Episode 1, which I’m sure was cool
for her, but thankfully we don’t have to watch it all, since
it would piss me off if they wasted five minutes showing me
something I see at the beginning of every episode. Also, I
wonder if Kelly felt like this is the sort of video they play
at the gates of heaven, evaluating your life, and showing
you all the people you’ve wronged.
On Day 36, Kelly
and Sue reach a cease fire by agreeing to try and boot each
other off before the final three. Gee, I’m all warm and fuzzy.
Sue washes the
mosquito netting in the mud, proving she hasn’t learned a
damn thing in seven weeks, and Kelly either change black into
the black bathing suit, or has let Sue wash the pink one.
Sean has finally
found the resolve to try and win and beat these conniving
bastards and exploit Kelly and Sue’s falling out.
Sean, start packing.
The immunity challenge
arrives in the form of a cheesy and hopelessly outdated rip-off
of The Blair Witch Project. It will take place on Pagong Beach,
which amused me because I hoped they would be visited by ghosts
of the nice people they booted off the island.
What the castaways
must do is listen to a little speech by Jeff (whom I see as
being egotistical enough to hack off his last name and refer
to himself as just “Jeff”, much like celebrities who are 12
minutes into their 15 minutes of fame are apt to do. Don’t
think Cher so much as “Jackee”, the wiggly actress from 227
who used say, “Maaaaaa-reeeeee..”) After the speech, they
dart into the jungle to answer questions, the answers to which
he has just given them. This is like in the sixth grade when
they show you a movie and then quiz you right afterwards,
and the only kid who can’t get at least a B+ is the kid who
picks his nose and eats construction paper.
First one back
with the most right answers wins immunity.
It was too funny
watching them do this, especially because every time they
showed Rudy his answer was, “I dunno.” All they needed was
to resurrect the caption “Currently Lost” from week 8.
Kelly wins.
Lucky bitch.
Prior to tribal
council, more plotting. Quite frankly, Kelly is getting a
bit snarky and I begin to think she wouldn’t be so high and
mighty if she didn’t have immunity. She says she’ll vote for
either Rich or Sue, which means she’s voting for Sean. (This,
incidentally, strikes me as awfully stupid, since she knows
Sue is against her and she doesn’t trust Rich. It would be
wise to try and keep someone who she might be able to get
to vote with her.
The jury files
in. Greg still has not shaved, and is starting to look like
the Unabomber. Colleen is dressed like the hostess from Shlomo
Chang’s Kosher Chinese Pagoda (free delivery with every order)
and Jenna still hasn’t lain off the make up. The only accessory
she’s missing is a lamppost and a public defender.
Jeff prods the
Rattagis with questions. He askes Rich how he thinks he’ll
be perceived on TV. Rich’s answer indicates he is delusional,
and borderline psychotic.
Jeff refers to
Rudy as the veteran of the group, which strikes me as a way
of saying, “You’re old.”
“And we didn’t
think you’d make it this far.”
The vote. You can
tell just by the way everyone holds the pen that they’re voting
for someone whose name begins with “S.”
Sean’s gone: 4-1.
Hey guy, it was
a good ride. You got to shave your chest on national television
and learn the alphabet.
In confession,
Sean manages to ramble about being the only “good guy” left.
Despite how self-aggrandizing this is, he has a point, if
you can get past the fact that he just spent 3 days plotting
against Sue and was about to spoil like so much old milk.
Seeing only the original alliance left, I begin to see what
the world might be like if Germany had won World War II.
I feel soiled just
for watching.
Look for Sean signing
autographs at a mall near you.
Next week on Survivor:
America produces another greedy, undeserving millionaire.
Les Moonves.
And that’s Survivor
12. Not much to work with, but I did the best I could.
And for those of
you who prefer shorter summaries, how about this:
On the twelfth
week of Survivor, Jeff Probst gave to me
12 kicked off losers,
11 lies from Kelly,
10 pounds of gray mud,
9 plugs for Target ®,
8 allegiance changes,
7 Rudy-isms,
6 meals of wet rice,
5 Nipple Rings,
4 more are left,
3 won’t win,
2 hour show,
and til next time we’ll go watch NBC.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, the cat is throwing up pizza.
