Episode 11 – Revenge is a Dish Best Shoved in Every Orifice By Island Heat

Please note: a full appreciation of this week's summary requires an understanding of the circumstances surrounding island Heat's ouster from the SurvivorSucks.com's message board. Most words in bold refer to SS posters who voted for Island's ouster. Anyway, I hope you enjoy:

So I wasn’t going to do this, but the underground resistance movement wheedled me and prodded me and tickled me in special places, leaving me with no choice but one final act of unsolicited whoredom.

And I was pissed.

Also, allow me to quote from TALLIE, in thread 1340: “If you really want to read another Island Heat summary, I’m sure he will write one for you.” Damn straight.

So if you’re still upset that you hosted an open house, only to find that some guests were getting more attention than you had allocated them, move on. I intend to show as little mercy about you as I do the show. I simply can’t deny myself the taking of a MPOUND of flesh.

The show! It’s starting! And right away I notice we’ve dispensed with the opener. How will the viewers ever understand the premise?

Last week on Survivor: Rich fights back, Susan belches loudly, and Kelly just wants to be loved, is that so wrong? At the immunity challenge, Rich gives new meaning to the word flaming. And at tribal council, Gervase gets voted off before he has an opportunity to impregnate a single castaway.

The opening credits, which at this point are like reading your high school yearbook on your 80th birthday: remember him? Remember her? Remember them? Gone. Gone. Gone.

It’s day 31 at Rattana. Do we really need the obligatory “waking up” shots every week? No one looks good early in the morning, especially if they’ve spent a month on an island with no shelter and, like, 3 articles of clothing? I mean, I love my boyfriend, but even I don’t want to see him until he’s eaten his Froot Loops and had a few cups of coffee.

Rich tells us he’s woken up wet. Gee, that hasn’t happened to me since I was fourteen.

I think I’m jealous.

Kelly says that people were kind of miserable this morning, including her.

Color me surprised.

She attributes it to people not having a lot to do. Kelly, I have two words for you, hon: Sock puppets.

Sean is trying to put on weight before he goes home, or people will tell him he looks ugly. Just to interject, don’t you think that if he put on a pair of big square sunglasses he’d look like Brett Sommer from the old game show, “Match Game.” Besides, I bet Rich could do a spectacular Charles Nelson Reilly.

Sean says he misses food, but not as much as he misses his family. He swears he’s not a mama’s boy, but he thinks of their smiles and their hugs, and how sometimes, when his folks aren’t home, he puts on his mother’s clothes, just to feel closer to her, and maybe hosts a tea party and reenacts a scene from The Crying Game. Or Caligula.

Next, we get a close up of the creeping crud that is threatening to consume Colleen’s entire body. Now, personally, I was going to lay off Colleen’s skin condition this week, thinking I’ve beaten it to death. But there it is, front and center, and I simply can’t leave well enough alone.

This is GROSS! I question whether we really need closeup shots of her scabs. I mean, even the movie “Outbreak” wasn’t this graphic. I mentally make a note not to eat dinner during the show. Also, I didn’t need to know that bugs were living in them. However, someone should tell her that this won’t be the first time she plays host to a parasite.

When Colleen tells us she misses her old team, we are treated to retrospective shots of former Pagongers (Pagongites?) laughing and playing, set to melancholy music. I notice BB is left out. Guess she didn’t miss him all that much.

She also says she’s the last sole survivor from a dying breed. Not for long.

According to Colleen (by virtue of the fact that she’s obviously starring in this episode, and we’re only a few minutes in, I can tell she should be packing up her bikini and her bandana/tube top/skirt) she’s confused about where alliances stand and she thinks they are confused, too. Rich and Sue are promising one thing to Sean (smiles and hugs?), another to Kelly (corrective surgery for that Gomer Pyle-esque underbite?), while Sue and Kelly are promising another thing to Sean (another chance at a three-way?) and another thing to Rich (don’t even want to think about what that might be). Meanwhile, she says, Rudy just sits back and takes it all in. Lord, the Marshall Plan wasn’t this complicated.

Rich thinks that Kelly is flip-flopping about alliances and that ticks Sue off. Anyone notice how he conveniently left himself out of that? That RICARDO, he’s so crafty, so shifty, he’s downright SASSY. And by SASSY, I mean humorless, knife-wielding creep who, much like the magazine of the same name, is chock full of accusations of inadequacy. And make-up tips.

Sue thinks Kelly is trying to make herself look good (an exercise in futility) to the other team in case she makes it to the end. Sue says, “Not this time. No, baby doll, you’re not gonna look good.” I’m sorry, isn’t this the same woman who gave us a whole Cry-Me-A-River speech about how Kelly is the first friend she’s had in 20 years and even if they set Sue on fire or cover her with honey and feed her to the bugs living in Colleen’s legs, she’s never going to betray Kelly?

Kelly, however, is just going to play the game, and she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what people think about her and she knows who she is (The State Police just want to know WHERE she is) and if she doesn’t win, she’s going to bite everybody’s noses off.

Colleen thinks she’s witnessing the breakdown of the Tagi alliance. Colleen is wrong.

Rich and Sean are apparently having some sort of alliance conversation, but the conversation is interrupted by a voice over from Sean, so they could easily have been making plans to get dinner and she a show back in the states.

Sean says that there’s come a point where you have to be a little more “self-preservative” because a lot of money’s at stake. What exactly is a self-preservative? Formaldehyde?

Having placed in knife firmly in Sean’s back, Rich moves on to Rudy, saying he’s giving Rudy his word, and he trusted him right from the beginning, and he’s always had a thing for men in the armed forces. Resisting the temptation to blush like a school girl, Rudy says, if he ever got stabbed in the back by someone who gave him his word, he’d, “do something to ‘em.” He should ask Kelly for advice. She evidently has quite a repertoire.

Colleen says this is what happens when you put a big chunk of cheese in a maze and let all the mice go at it and see who eats who. (Not a bad analogy, but I might have chosen rats instead of mice.) Colleen doesn’t want any part of it and it’s not a fun game now. Yeah, it make sense to give up after you’re outlasted your team, made it this far, and have been virtually eaten alive by tropical insects.

Reward challenge time. This time the clue is scrawled on a mock-Trivial Pursuit card. CBS subtlety has reached new heights.

“This time it’s not
Your muscles you’ll strain,
For tomorrow’s event,
You’ll workout your brain.”

I think Sean’s brain got a workout just reading the card.

Rudy is particularly happy about this, saying that, “We got a clue last night saying we’ll work out our brains rather than our muscles, which is good news, not that my brain’s any good.” Poor Scarecrow, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

Colleen says she sucks at trivia but she loves it, although she’s slow at the buzzer. No kidding. She said she was thinking, wow, it will be just like a game show, and then she thought, wait a minute, I’m on a game show.

Slow at the buzzer, indeed.

JIFF PABST, I mean, Jeff Probst is back (By the way, dude, if you were going for some sort of witty name take off using commercial products, Jif has one “F”. Even Susan knows that.) He tells us that, “Today, decadence speaks.” I thought he was introducing Cher. Alas, sadly, no. He whips out a Visa card and Kelly immediately begins to salivate and emit a low droning noise.

The reward for the winner is a night on a yacht. Including a hot shower, tv and stereo, and a luxury dinner. At this point, luxury dinner for these folks could merely mean eating with utensils.

The questions are a parlance of survival trivia, such as, “Pound for pound, insects are a better source of protein than beef.” This of course is true, and Colleen begins gnawing at her own legs.

Other questions included: “If you do not have water, you should:

a) not sleep
b) not eat
c) slice open the weakest tribe member and drink their blood; or
d) ask a crew member to go fetch you some.

In a tie-breaker, Sean snuffs the win out from under Rich, winning the night on a yacht. Americans everywhere breathe a sigh of relief.

And as a bonus, Sean may be able to invite someone else to join him for breakfast.

On Day 32, Sean says he hopes he gets to bring someone with him. He says he owes Kelly a dinner. We don’t really know why he owes her a dinner. Maybe he was with her at Olive Garden and now its his turn to treat her courtesy of someone else’s credit card.

Kelly: “I really like Sean. I probably talk a lot of trash about Sean, but he’s a good guy.” Yeah, that’s why she’s voted for him two out of the last three tribal councils. For someone who’s trying not to succumb to the nastiness of alliances, she’s turned out to be the most manipulative, vindictive little bitch on the island.

It’s raining again. An incessant, driving rain, which according to Sue, “Beats driving a semi through Chicago at 4:00 on a Friday summer afternoon.”

I’ll take her word for it.

But wait, the sound of cheery island rhythms seems to coax the sun out.

The boat arrives, via time lapse photography, which is so necessary to cut down on the amount of time it would have taken to actually watch it sail the four feet it apparently moves. JP arrives and Colleen waves a big hello, which Kelly joins in on, probably because Colleen got to have the brain this week. Or maybe because Kelly maxes out at one act of independence a month.

Trumpeting Jeff’s arrival is a big rainbow. Rich hurries to don a gingham dress and ruby slippers. Ok, not really. Actually, you have to admit Richie adapted pretty well to island life. Being from the northeast, you’d think this nasty manipulator would be more of a CITYGIRL.

Jeff says he wishes he was coming to say everyone was going on the yacht, but that wouldn’t be fun or make them hate each other even more. Sean gets up to leave, and Jeff says he can invite someone to join him in the morning for breakfast. He asks Kelly if she wants this to be her meal. Trying to be coy, she tells him he has to choose. So Sean, ever conscious of not hurting anyone’s feelings, picks Rich, because he know breakfast is one of Rich’s 6 favorite meals. (Sean, however, cannot figure out why lunch comes before dinner. It’s so not alphabetical.)

This decision provokes much whining and ramoaning, particularly from Kelly. Kel, if you wanted to go, you should have said so when he asked you.

On the yacht, Sean eats and showers, and has a romantic glass of wine with JP. Kelly ramoans. Sean shaves and showers (no, you can’t see IT through the glass shower door, I looked. ) Kelly ramoans. Sean gets a massage (which includes some spanking from the masseuse, and I temporarily wonder if my tv has changed channels to cinemax .) Kelly ramoans. Kelly just hopes he doesn’t make a fool out of himself. Yeah, cause you know what she is: she’s classy.

JP then wants to introduce Sean to the Captain, who turns out to be Sean’s dad. Smiles and hugs abound. This really was sweet, and I was touched, so I’ll try and temper my sarcasm. Sean’s dad says Sean has a heart twice as big as his body. Since his body is rapidly beginning to resemble that of a Tracey Gold afterschool special, this is not saying much.

Sean’s dad says he loves Sean so much, he’d walk on nails for him. Shhh, that’s next week’s immunity challenge.

Meanwhile, Kelly wishes Sean would get a backbone. Yeah, then maybe they could share it. ("Hey, Colleen, can I have the brain back?")

Day 33 dawns with Rich eagerly awaiting the boat. When JP arrived, Kelly, not sure the horse has been beaten enough, yells to Jeff to tell Sean he’s in big trouble. Oh, give it a rest. “Tell Sean he has to deal with Wiglesworth (no, not the cat from Austin Powers) when he gets back.” JP’s retort almost redeems him from becoming just another footnote in the history of pompous game show hosts. (A place occupied by such greats as Alex Trebek, Bob Barker, Vanna White, and the two skanky chicks from Card Sharks.)

On the island, Kelly keeps going on and on, and frankly I want to give her Gervase’s cards so she can just deal with it.

Rich and Sean reunite on the yacht where Rich and Sean spit over the side, do an Irish jig, draw each other nude, and abscond in a lifeboat with a big diamond. No. Wait, slipped into Titanic. Sorry.

Sean introduces Rich to his father, and the two manage to have a nice conversation in between Rich cramming his face full of food.

Meanwhile, sad, sad, horse-faced Kelly wades out into the ocean with her coconut shell full of wet mushy rice and stares enviously at the boat, obviously plotting big trouble for Moose and Squirrelly.

In a hammock, Kelly indulges in some psychotic mutterings about Mexican food, possibly in contemplation of her next crime spree, and across the nation Chi-Chi’s restaurant managers remind their employees that photo ID is required for every customer paying by credit card.

Colleen thinks that Sean inviting Rich was an attempt to save himself at her expense. Now that’s what I call self-preservative.

The boat brings them back, and Susan says that unless Sean brought something back with him, she doesn’t care that he’s back. Sean’s response is to introduce her father, which leaves that loudmouthed redneck with egg all over her big pancake-shaped face. Realizing this, Sue calls upon all her social skills, and continues the argument.

Sean shows off the banner he painted and his homemade fishing pole, and later they’ll go back to his bunk and unpack some clean socks and his Dad will have a little talk with Sean’s camp counselor about the “thumb sucking problem.”

The other castaways were hoping for an update on current events, particularly Sue, who is curious about the stock market. I guess she’s trying to figure out whether it would be a good idea to diversify and invest in high tech or pull out of the NASDAQ and sink it all into blue chips, but since Sean’s dad is woefully ill-informed, she’ll just have to leave all that money in the Hills Brothers coffee can buried in the backyard (Right next to poor Fluffy, 1986-1993, who never saw that tractor coming.) Moving on to the strife in Eastern Europe, and then to sports, it becomes obvious that Sean’s dad never tunes the TV to anything other than reruns of Barney Miller.

Before Pops goes, he unloads care packages each of the castaways has been sent from their loved ones. Sue, of course, receives another missive from her hubby:

“I fed both the dogs, your pig and your goat.
Did CBS use all the poems I wrote?”

The combined booty also includes letters, clothes, raisins, and food. Someone sent Triscuits, although, I think my stomach might long for something more settling, like saltines, and I’d rather bite into a ZESTA. Also, after weeks of nothing but charred ANGELRAY, I’m surprised no one thought of sending protein, like a jar of peanut butter. (Most other protein sources, such as chicken, or OSPREY, would get all nasty and spoiled.)

Finally, Mr. Kenniff leaves. Colleen does a little dance. Guess she gave the brain back to Kelly.

Immunity challenge. The castaways must balance on a bunch of rickety planks out in the ocean. Planks will periodically be removed until only one is left. Last castaway standing wins.

Oh, Lord, this is more boring than watching paint dry, and I want to drive a rusty SPIKE through my eyes.

In sum, Rich sings badly, Rudy falls first, and after almost three hours, only Kelly and Colleen are left. They discuss alliances, and Colleen thinks if she falls, she’s gone. (Yup.) Meanwhile, on the island, Rich thinks its funny that Colleen is trying to stay on, when it’s Kelly’s turn to go. If Kelly wins, then they’re going for Sean. So, obviously, Colleen is going.

Kelly wins, and as a bonus, gets some Dr. Scholl’s insoles for her tired feet. Why didn’t Jeff just mention that they were purchased at Target and paid for with a VISA card?

Pre-tribal council angst. Kelly thinks she’s being clever by making them think she’s still in the alliance, because if she said she weren’t, they’d vote her off. She’s trying to save her own ass, she says, and “how bold and wonderful is that?”

Not very. It's kinda the point of the whole show.

Sue says she really thought that she and Kelly were friends, but Kelly tried to dig a knife into her backside.

Must have missed that episode.

At tribal council, the jury comes in. JP probed Sean about “Breakfastgate,” and immediately Kelly picks up the bat and begins to beat the dead horse again. Thankfully, JP puts an end to it.

The vote. Ironic how Sue even spelled Colleen’s name right.

And to the chagrin of millions of sweaty overweight computer geeks around the nation, Colleen gets booted, forcing them to return to watching Pamela Anderson on VIP and surfing for internet porn.

Next week, on Survivor: Hey, can we just call ourselves Tagi again?

Well, that’s all folks. Once a renegade, always a renegade. Speaking from beyond the SurvivorSucks grave, I hope some of you enjoyed it.

Now that I’ve done my work, I think I’ll indulge in a little reward challenge of my own, and let me boyfriend blow me.

Oh, and to those of you who voted me off the Survivor Sucks.com board: you can blow me too.

-Island Heat

P.S. Captain Entropy made me write this.