Last week on The Mole....

Greased up Heather.

Greased up Heather.

Greased up Heather.

Oh and Eyebrows, who incidentally was one of the few remaining Molerons who didn’t put me to sleep, was eliminated. Because the others didn’t like her. Someone please inform ABC that conflict equals ratings because I’m not sure they’re getting the concept of reality television just yet.

Thus begins another episode of The Mole! Please try to contain your enthusiasm.

Did you see the clips at the beginning of the episode where everyone pretty much said that everyone else was the mole, while managing to throw in the weekly “I miss my family, and I hate it here, and I hate lying, and I hate this game, and we’re running out of rice!” ?

Yes?

Did you ask the weekly question of “What the fvck are you doing in this game?” ?

Yes?

Okay good because I’m not saying a word about those confessionals in this summary.

Day 25 – Somewhere on the Earth planet

Game 8.1 - The Blind and the Beautiful

In the first challenge of this episode we find out that our contestants will have a chance to spend time with their loved ones – but only if another player can correctly identify another’s loved one from their vantage point above a crowded plaza. So this should be pretty simple, right?

Our first contestant is Katie, who picks Ray Charles to be her ‘eyes’. Okay fine, she picked Heather but in a minute you’ll see there really isn’t too much of a difference.

Katie, who I have to point out, is no longer the favourite daughter after Tuesday’s episode, basically described her dad as a beached whale. I believe the term “pregnant” was thrown around here and there. So of course Heather’s choice is simple; she picks some old generic dark-skinned Italian man. Of course Katie is pissed at Heather and you can’t have a reality TV episode without a confrontation, right?

Well I think you need to be reminded that you’re watching ABC, who also bring us great shows such as....um....can anyone actually name a popular ABC show?

*chirp chirp*

Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, as it turns out, you can have a show without conflict (By some mystical coincidence, it’s actually called The Mole); so no such luck, kiddies.

Our next player on “Whatever You Do, Don’t Pick Heather” is Dorothy. Dorothy, of course, picks Heather. Let’s go to Dorothy for a description of her mom.

Dorothy: Well, she’s basically like me. Short, thin, big glasses, and extremely Asian; got that?

After Heather assures her that she’ll find her mother, she scans the plaza. It’s very obvious which one is Dorothy’s mother, right? She’s right in freaking front of you! Anyway, sure that there’s no way Heather screwed up this time, Dorothy goes down and waits for her mom to arrive. Suddenly this very, very large, very, very white woman saunters around the corner. I’m not exactly sure what Dorothy said next because there’s this very loud, constant beeping obscuring the audio. Your guess is as good as mine as to what that signifies.

The Hidden Clue

As Dorothy and Katie sit on the curb, we see intermixed footage of a dog throwing up. Now if you look carefully, the dog throws up exactly four chunks of something or other – there are four letters in B-I-L-L. Clever, no? Also, the dog is one of the major symbols in Chinese astrology, meaning, obviously – duh – that whomever is born in a dog year is soooo not the mole. Or maybe they are. I’ll leave that to you.

Continuing with the game, we find out that Al’s wife and kids couldn’t make it. I’ll let Bribs explain why:

Bribs: I don’t have the heart to bring this up with the group, but you know when you buy the frame and for some odd reason whomever makes them thinks it’s great to sell you pictures of ~other~ people’s memories? See where I’m going?

Bribs gets to see his mama. Yawn.

Bribs, who’s now playing ‘the eyes’ doesn’t pick Al’s sister anyway so too bad for him. And may I say: Sister? Try Al in a wig. I mean, have you ever seen them in the same room?

Darwin gets to see his wife. Yawn.

Next up we have Bribs looking for Heather’s boyfriend. If you look carefully at the lower left corner of the lower courtyard, you’ll see Katie and Dorothy flashing Heather some kind of indiscernible hand signals. Weird.

Here we can also see Heather’s guy making out with Kathryn from The Mole’s first season for a split second (have the pause button ready). What, you thought Bribs was joking? He manages to pick the right guy, however, much to the disadvantage of anyone watching and anyone who will ever watch this show. You’ll find out why in a moment.

After this, we get to meet Bill’s brother, who, as it turns out, is almost as charismatic and interesting as Bill himself. Somebody shoot me.

Oh and just in case anybody actually cares, they won $20,000 in this game.

Blind Date: The Mole Edition

The conclusion of the “Find Your Relatives” game places us in the middle of a dinner date involving Heather and her man. As usual, they’re conversing about Heather’s favourite topic: herself – and I really can’t figure out who that guy with the monkey ears is. Oh, that’s Mr. Blue Eyes? And she went through all the trouble of stealing him from somebody else because....? I guess she must’ve forgotten her contacts. Again. Anyway, one waste of time leads to another and oh look, Mr. Blue Eyes has something to say:

MBE: Isn’t this the most romantic dinner you’ve ever had?
Heather: Whatever.

*She’s really thinking*

I wonder what Bribs is doing later on?

MBE: There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, Heather. I wrote a poem to tell you how I feel.

Today I want to ask you, a simple little question.
It took a hell of a lot of liquor and it wasn’t my suggestion.
The producers asked me nicely, and I figured what the heck,
Because I’ll also be receiving a nice big fat cheque.
So please marry me, Heather, because although you’re a ditz;
You’re also a sweet, beautiful woman with really huge ____.

Fortunately for him, Heather broke out into tears after the first line and didn’t really hear most of it. At the end of this touching speech (Brought to you by Hallmark – “If you could say it like Hallmark, you wouldn’t need Hallmark.” Of course if you have an entire production team holding up cue cards you don’t really need Hallmark either.) Mr. Blue Eyes pulls out a ring and slips it on Heather’s finger.

MBE: It’s shiny. I like shiny things.
Heather: Diamonds. I like diamonds.

*She’s really thinking*

Of course, I’ll have to borrow the Hubble later so I can actually see them.

By the way, did anyone else hear that they’re now broken up? Makes you wonder why Heather was really crying now, doesn’t it?

The Next Day – An ABC soundstage

Game 8.2 - Oh My Gawd!

The next great challenge is bungee jumping. Wait – didn’t they already do something like this before? Twice? Oh well, as the dead (redundant?) horse is dragged out once again, the Molerons are asked to decide if their family members said they would definitely jump, or that they would definitely not jump. As everyone except for Dorothy figured out, their loved ones will pretty much always answer with the most favourable option. In this case it was a resounding “yes”.

Dorothy: I’m just really not sure what my mother would say....

*Cut to Dorothy’s daydream*

Dorothy’s Mom: Dorothy will not jump – she is very weak with no team spirit and screws up everything. That is why she will never find a good husband to give me any grandchildren and did I mention how big of a loser she is?

Whoa. Someone’s got self-esteem issues, eh Dorothy?

Even though Dorothy sucks, she gets to spend a few heartfelt moments with her mother. This basically consists of her standing there like a log while her mother hugs her and bawls more than Katie on a bad day. I’m utterly touched by Dorothy’s outpouring of emotion. Excuse me while I go cry.

As Heather jumps you can almost hear what her new fiancé is thinking: “God, I hope nothing happens to that ring!”

Here, we’re entertained by Katie, always the intellectual.

Katie: If the cord breaks, am I dead?

No honey, you’ll grow wings and fly. Why don’t you go try it?

Katie: Will it be a quick and painless death?

Of course not. Everyone knows that the little pieces of whatever’s left of you can stay alive for hours under the right conditions.

So everyone else jumps, including the lovely Amber Brkich. Well, if she was 200 pounds heavier and a blonde, that is. Was anyone else craving a meatball sub right about here?

Now we get interviews with the contestants and their family members, telling us why they can’t possibly be the mole. You can almost feel them reading off the tele-prompters. Oh, and even though Dorothy’s mama couldn’t make it, she has to sit there alone and read off the reasons why she’s not the mole all by herself. Oh yeah, that’s really convincing me right there. Furthermore, what was the point of this waste-of-time scene anyway? Oh. To waste time? Well I guess that’s plausible.

On to the quiz. Damn, I wanted to know what they were having for dinner! Darwin tells us of his wife's "condition" in this exchange cut for time (thanks barbie!).

Mrs. Darwin: Yes, one month tomorrow.
Darwin: Honey, I’ve been away for six weeks now....
Mrs. Darwin: Like I said, six weeks tomorrow.

Tribal Council

As AC enters the names “randomly”, the family members sit beside their Molerons in anticipation. This time, AC decides to “randomly” go through the entire list until we’re left with one.

AC: Katie, it’s time to leave. Grab your cow and get the fvck out. And take your precious stuffed animal, too.

As Katie and her father stand to leave, she blows a seductive farewell kiss to cyclehausen.

Al, who is obviously the best man for the job, gives us her heartbreaking eulogy as the sad ending music plays.

Al: You know, Katie’s a sweet girl. Is she out of earshot yet? Alright, good. Later b*tch. Don’t let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out.

You know, maybe they should start being nicer to her. After all, according to Lady T’s source (who’s been pumping things out of Katie for weeks now), she’s a total hottie nowadays. We’ll see come reunion time.

Next Week:

Al gets to stomp on grapes.

Heather: This is too easy! What’s going on.

She probably has to drink the juice....ewewewewew!

Someone steals Dorothy’s journal!

And The Amazing Race 3 is coming this fall to CTV – funny, it looks like they’re using the same contestants as the last one. First BB3s open call and now this – the CBS casting dept. must be getting really hard up now.