Last Week On The Mole 2

Anderson: Don't touch the bike, don't touch the bike, don't touch the bike.
Heather: That must be secret code for let's touch the bike.
Anderson: Idiot!
And, for some reason, that's all I really remember.

Tangent: The reason being because I was laughing my ass off at this point and wasn't paying attention to the rest of the recap.

Cue the credits!

The show starts with those spooky confessionals/ripoffs of The Blair Witch Project. I'll just plug in my moleron-english translator here. Let's see what they've got to say.

Bill: This thing has so many levels of complexity that it sort of defies the imagination.
Translation: This takes intelligence? Oh s***, we're screwed.

Elavia: It kinda blows your mind that one of them is a freaky, stinky, liar and out to sabotage.
Translation: It only took me 22 days to figure out how this game works.

Katie: I wish there was a way that we could play this game where nobody had to go home.
Translation: Look at me, I'm Gabriel Cade!

The next little snippet shows some of the contestants talking about who they think is the mole. Darwin, who is obviously named that because he's the evolutionary missing link, accuses Dorothy and Elavia of being the mole. Dorothy attempts to mock Darwin with a crybaby display but ends up looking like a complete loser/idiot. Elavia sits back and lets the other two dimwits fight it out. I'd mock her, but I'm convinced that she's finally decided to use a little thing called strategy and I don't want to ruin her high.

Day 22 - Lucca, Italy

The group walks in for breakfast, revealing what Anderson (aka AndyCoo) refers to as "a surprise." It turns out that it's a gnome in a cup with a message from the mole saying "I will break you." Conclusion: Anderson doesn't get out much. He then tells the contestants that he will need 3 people who have a thing for gnomes and 5 people who like Gladiator. Not surprisingly, Bribs volunteers for the second choice, because it's, well gosh, the most funnest boyhood dream in the whole wide world! Well hold on a minute there Tiger, because Anderson is takin' the gnome lovers first.

Game #1: Gnomeward Bound
Contestants: Heather, Bill and Elavia

Tangent: Before this even starts, I'd like to nominate Gnomeward Bound as being the game with the most sexual innuendo attached to it...ever. You'll see what I mean shortly.

This challenge is simple. Each contestant will have to run a leg in a relay race. If they can do it in under 30 minutes without breaking the gnome, then $30,000. Otherwise, tough luck. But there's a Shocking New Twist! (and you thought only good reality shows had those ). The "baton" they'll be using is one of two gnomes "greased" in a mysterious white liquid. Yeah AndyCoo, it's lard. We believe you. The racers decide to take the bigger gnome (because size matters) and they're off!

Heather starts off by greasing up her gnome and getting the gooey white stuff all over her hands. Something tells me Heather spent a good amount of time greasing up a few gnomes in college herself ifyaknowwhatImean. That might explain the lack of English skills in the following confessional. Repeat after me, Heather. Slip-per-y. But Heather gets the job done, getting her picture taken under a lion statue and giving the 18-34 male demographic a treat by letting the liquid, which has now become a thick film, run down her leg and then greasing up the gnome yet again for Bill.

Tangent: I watched this part 23 times...uhhhh...for research.

In Bill's leg, he has to kick his balls past a female soccer goalie and score (I think I'll leave that one alone). Then he gets on a bike (no Heather, you cannot touch it), places the gnome in the basket, and begins to navigate what looks like the BMX Seniors Tour obstacle course.

Tangent: I nominate Heather touches the bike as the running gag of The Mole 2.

To sum up this leg of the race, it's time to play a game of Good News-Bad News!

Good News: Bill can handle the difficulty of a simple pylon course.
Bad News: Bill cannot handle the difficulty of an 8-inch high ramp.
Good News: The bike basket falls off, but the gnome remains intact...
Bad News: ...until Bill decides to plow into it with the bike.
Good News: Bill finds an exemption inside the broken gnome.
Bad News: Anderson tells the players they have lost the game.
Good News: Heather bear hugs Elavia from behind, getting the white goo all over her. The entire 18-34 male demographic makes an unscheduled bathroom break.

Overall, no money but still a happy ending to this challenge.

Game #2: Sharp Pointy Objects Pt. 2
Contestants: Bribs, Dorothy, Darwin, Al and Gabe I mean Katie

Now, for those of you who don't know, my last summary was episode 4 of The Amazing Race 1, where the contestants had to complete the Italian Colosseum roadblock. Therefore, I consider myself to be kind of an expert in ancient gladiator type challenges. Here's how the challenge works. First, AndyCoo tells them that they will have to pick a Caesar to defend against 5 gladiators. They will have to choose someone who doesn't like doing any of their own work and is weak in challenges that require physical strength and/or a positive heart rate. The players choose Dorothy. Natch. If the four guards (aka anyone who's not Caesar) can protect her from 5 armed gladiators, they win $30,000 for the pot.

Next, they get suited up. Dorothy, Bill, Al and Katie wait while AndyCoo makes Bribs a special offer. Since he picked the special Brutus helmet, or, if you're more of a Survivor fan, since he drew the purple rock, he gets a special offer. In order to win an exemption, he must kill everyone else on the field and eat Caesar's Crown Salad or something...I really can't remember because I'm still thinking about Heather and Elavia covered in white goo. Either way though, he has to backstab the team to earn the exemption. Will he take it? Let's see.

Bribs (Confessional): As the game goes on, it gets harder and harder to pass up an exemption.
Translation: I'm gonna pass up the exemption.

And there we have our answer. The game goes as expected, with the only team casualty being Al, who goes down in about 10 seconds. Whoo hoo; another 30 grand for the pot (okay, even I can't get excited about this show anymore).

Tangent: Yeah Al, nice performance on that challenge. I'm sure you're not really an expert at handling 12 inch long tube-like objects. Anyone who reminds me that much of Varner has to be playing for the other team. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just sayin'.

That night, we see that ABC's ploy to use sex for ratings hasn't ended as AndyCoo asks them all how they met their "significant others."

Heather: I met my boyfriend the good old fashioned way; by stealing him from another girl. Quite the fairy tale ending, huh?

Bill: The first time I saw my wife, she was standing there in a bikini. I said, "Wow she has a nice ass." See? I'm still a cool, hip kinda guy, right Bribs? Al? Darwin? <desparately> Anderson? C'mon, somebody back me up here!

Dorothy: Well, the first time I saw my boyfriend, I decided to woo him using my superior mental intellect. So we played Scrabble, where I proceeded to dazzle him with words like cat, apple, car and fish.

Katie: I have a few significant others. <silence> Okay, they don't know I'm alive. <silence> Okay, I really don't have any significant others, but I have a lot of friends. <silence> Alright, I only have imaginary friends, and they all hate me! Happy?

That night, each of the contestants get their own rooms, even though for some reason the rooms have 2 beds each. Heather reminds us that the game has changed from a team effort to an individual effort. Either she just had an insightful thought about the symbolism of the single rooms, or she just got lucky (hint: the second one). Elavia says she enjoys not having to share a room, especially with Heather who hogs the blankets after their hot, steamy, frenzied bouts of lovemaking and can never seem to get her...sorry. Bribs says that today, he got to live out one of his boyhood fantasies. Yeah Bribs, and if it was me instead of Bill in Gnomeward Bound, that would have made two of us.

Tangent: Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Bribs sounds like a shorter way of saying BBQ ribs? Just me? Alrighty then.

Day 23 - Not So Shocking Old Twist Recycled From Last Week

At breakfast, the contestants discover dollar bills in their coffee cups. AndyCoo explains that the mole was feeling generous. Evidently, $8 is generous by ABC's standards. And the contestants find out that, in the most shocking game yet, they have to rank the others in order of most favourite to least favourite...just like last week. For a quick run-down, Katie hates Elavia (but not as much as she hates Bill), Elavia likes Dorothy and hates Katie, Dorothy likes Elavia, Darwin hates Bill (although it's supposedly part of some strategy. You're not fooling anyone, Darwin; nobody on this show is smart enough to use strategy), Bribs likes Dorothy, Heather likes Bribs, Bill hates Elavia and Al hates Katie (but not as much as he hates Dorothy). Get it? Got it? Good. There's gonna be a test later.

Night 23 - Jelly

That night, Katie brings up a irrational fear of jelly. Al, in his pseudo-Varner voice, mocks her relentlessly, since he himself does not share this fear. Sorry Al, but having a KY jelly fetish does not count as not being scared of jelly. The only other thing I really noticed in this scene is AndyCoo laughing like he's never laughed before. I said it before and I'll say it again. It wasn't that funny, you just need to get out more.

The Execution

After all the players took the quiz, AndyCoo explains to them what their lists were for. He also explained the history behind the execution site, but I really don't pay attention to most of what he says anymore. This time, he reveals who everyone picked as their least favourite player.

Bill chose Elavia.
Dorothy chose Al.
Elavia chose Katie.
Al chose Dorothy.
Bribs chose Elavia.
Katie chose Bill.
Darwin chose Bill.

Which means that, after 7 votes, Bill and Elavia are tied with 2 votes apiece.

Anderson: And finally, Heather, you listed your least favourite player as Elavia.
Elavia: You b***h! Didn't our secret tryst mean anything to you?
Heather: Bite me!
Elavia: <panting> Right here, right now!
Heather: <with a coquettish look in her eye> C'mon baby...

Okay, maybe that's not how it happened, but I can dream.

Instead, AndyCoo bribes Elavia to take $50,000 and leave the game. Elavia asks AndyCoo whether the $50,000 is coming out of the group pot and AndyCoo tells her no. Hey Elavia, I don't blame ya. If my teammates voted me least liked I'd want to screw them over one last time too. Finally, Elavia turns to her teammates for advice, where Darwin gives her that "morning after" look. Needless to say, Elavia decides to take the money and run.

Cue the normal commentary of the other contestants, where I'd like to note that Heather looks visibly disappointed while I'm at home going "yeeeeeeeah, I thought so" in my low pitched guy voice. Cue the highlight reel and final words.

Elavia: As my grandmother used to say, "Throughout your life, you'll have a whole lot of acquaintances, but only one or two friends, unless your name is Katie or Anderson, in which case you'll have none."

The show ends with Anderson making some lame joke about there still being an execution, (For the love of Pete, get out of the damn house once in a while!) and some confessional by Dorothy (who I have now also learned to ignore).

Next Week:

Katie cries over her loved ones which did/did not arrive.
Heather cries for some unknown reason.
Bribs jumps from a high place.
Katie is scared she'll die.
The mole keeps acting mole-ish.
The Amazing Race is coming back this fall.

That is all; The End.