How to Sink a Major Network
with a special commentary by Kathryn Price and Michael Eisner

Kathryn Price: Gosh, Mr. E, this show is the perfect cover for your little stunt.

Michael Eisner: I know, no one would ever expect that I’m really the mole.I’ve been trying to sabotage the ABC Powerhouse since I took over. Just last month, though, I had to quick get rid of the ABC TV President Steven Bornstein. We told everyone he resigned, but, really, he had just been too good at his job. I had to bag him. Ferchrissakes, a few ads even ran for this show before I caught wind of it and pulled them off the air. Bornstein was behind it all. It could have been my undoing.

Last week on The Mole…
Dorothy thinks Bill gave up to easily; Bill thinks Dorothy gave up to easily and Heather does something nice… awwww...

KP: I didn’t think anyone even watched the Mole last week, what with that show you pitched to Fox starting up finally: American Idol?

ME: Pretty clever, huh? I had it typed over and sent to Fox anonymously. Thought it would work, too, but those fanatics over at FindTheMole.com actually wrote two summaries just to spark some interest, I guess. I sent some cronies over to sabotage the website, but they kept arguing over who got to play the teeny-bopper in love with Rob—so they all did and it backfired, I’m afraid. Ended up keeping the summaries at the top of page 1.

This week’s episode begins with the typical “scary-flashlight-on-my-face-at-the-campfire-while-telling-a-ghost-story” confessionals.

Al: Someone is going to do something that will intentionally hurt the group.
Katie: I trust Heather, but I know I shouldn’t
Elavia: I really suck at Clint Eastwood impressions.

All of which prompts me to wonder if they get paid for stating the obvious. If so, cha-ching.

KP: Gosh, last season, on my mole, it seemed like the point of the game was to either profess yourself the mole or accuse everyone else of being the mole. Major paranoia and deception.

ME: Yeah, I had Stone Stanley nix that: too interesting. We decided to have this crop of molerons state the obvious instead.

The Really Unappetizing Pizza Game

It’s off to Barga, Italy. Anderson tells the group to split into 3 groups of 3: those who like to cook, those who hate to cook, and those that like to watch. Katie, Bill and Myra hate to cook and follow Anderson off to learn their mission. Once he gets them alone, he points at them and laughs. He calls them dolts, then makes them cook.

ME: Yeah, that irked me. It was funny, but I was hoping for boring and predictable.

The cookers have to go to 14 different houses and beg for 14 different ingredients and use them to make 3 12-inch pizzas (I had to rewind it here and make sure Cooper didn’t say what I originally thought he said… use your imagination). The team succeeds, but only because they find Roberto, a local who speaks English and Italian and knows everyone in Barga. (Trust me, not as romantic-European as he sounds; he has on an shirt from the 1980s—complete with fluorescent green trim, a pair of lady’s pleated khaki shorts, and black athletic shoes sans socks which you know do not allow those feet to breathe.)

All this begging reminds me of the rash statement I made when I claimed The Mole was a highbrow show. Guess I spoke too soon.

The ‘These Hills are B!tches” Game

The other 6 have to ride two bikes up a big ol’ hill into the town of Barga, collecting a bottle of wine on the way.

Anderson: Don’t touch the bikes. Don’t touch the bikes.
Heathertouches a bike*
Anderson: What part of don’t touch the bikes do you not understand?

Anderson stomps off, mumbling something about being a respected newsman who shouldn’t have to work with stuck-up sorority girls who don’t think they have to follow the rules.

The teams start off on their bikes. Darwin is immediately surrounded by 10, 000 flies.

ME: You like that? It’s common knowledge that flies feast on feces; just a bit of imagery there.

KP: *bursts into tears*

ME: What’s wrong?

KP: Oh. Nothing. Sorry, it’s just my shtick.

They ride over a chalked message: “The mole will beat you”. Bribs gives a little smile and remembers how proficient Darwin was at pumping the tires full of air.

Anderson is back, now that he’s calmed himself a bit with a cocktail, and starts poking fun at the losers a laJeff Probst dangling food in front of the contestants during the endurance immunity challenge. I know Jeff Probst, my dear, and you, sir, are no Jeff Probst.

Dorothy:The physical game is not where my strength is. (cha-ching)

KP: Oooo, a Lowe’s commercial. Femme is going to kill you.

ME: Yeah, just a little personal dig. Her husband works for Home Depot. Thought it would irritate her so much she’d quit watching and wouldn’t be able to write a summary. Ah. Well.

The teams get to the top, retrieve their wine (LaMole. How clever.) and head off the church where the pizzas are waiting.

Al: We’re here, we’ve got a bottle of wine, and I can sit down. (cha-ching

Anderson tells them this is all they get (for 9 hungry people? What is this? Survivor?) for dinner. Darwin and Bill buy ice creams on the way to the hotel and eat them in front of everyone. Anderson takes $10,000 from the pot for Heather’s screw up and Darwin and Bill’s gluttony. Then he beats them all with a rubber hose and berates them in his “Deiter” voice.

KP: He’s losing it.

ME: Yeah, he wants me to fire him. What he doesn’t realize is that the more he whines, the longer I’m going to keep him around. I love people kissing up to save their jobs, but I especially enjoy making people stay in a job they think is beneath them. All part of my master plan, dear.

The Popularity Poll

Anderson makes the players rank each other in order from favorite to least favorite. Al puts Bribs down as his top pick.

Al: He reminds me of me when I was younger.

Anderson: *looks Al up and down* You’re joking right? *bursts into laughter*

At home, I’m thinking the same thing: Al is having delusions of grandeur.

Katie: I know I’m not going to be first on everybody’s list. (cha-ching)

Elavia: Somebody had to be last on everybody’s list. (cha-ching)

Elavia uses the tired Alphabet strategy (courtesy Dr. Sean) to make her picks. Ironically, her team turns on her, too. In a surprise ending, Katie isn’t the most hated; Elavia is, and she’s bitter. (Why? Everyone has just voted you most likely to make them retch when you walk into a room. What’s the problem here?)

Elavia gets an exemption for being so annoying and everyone kisses her butt at dinner. (Psst, Elavia, just ‘cause they say nice things now doesn’t mean that they really like you. They just don’t want you to lash out at them with those eyebrows of death and render them unconscious.)

KP: Hey, you stole the whole popularity thing off the Mole Forums, didntcha?

ME: Hmph. We’re doing it again next week, too. I want to wear the game out so people get bored and quit watching.

In a very disturbing scene, Darwin and Al curl up in bed and talk strategy.

Al: If I can get anything out of him, it’ll benefit me. (No, really, he said that. Yes, while in bed with Darwin. I don’t even have to make this stuff up; it writes itself)

The Anti-Climactic Execution

The molerons file in (amidst shots of naked men and one shot of a black cat. What’s that all about?) and we are treated to some really wild ‘dos on Al and Bill. I thought they were just pulling their hair out trying to come up with the answers, but no, turns out they’re honoring Rob, who got the axe last week.

Bill: I look like a friggen jack-ass. (cha-ching)

Anderson types in the names (no... name, singular) and Myra is executed before anyone else gets a chance to practice their relieved face. Katie climbs up on her chair, wiggles her butt and gives a big ol’ thumbs up to Cyclehausen.

KP: That’s cool: just do away with all the suspense, huh?

ME: Oh, well, since we had already used a quote from Bill talking about Myra in the past tense, I didn’t see the point in pretending that it was going to be a surprise. Master plan, remember, master plan. Hey, do you know who the mole is this season?

KP: Oh, none of them, really. They just wait til it gets down to three people, then they approach the prettiest one and tell him or her that they’re the mole. Then they go back and point out all the ’really obvious’ clues we missed. Like, the mole is listed 10th and 10 divided by 5 is 2 and this is the 2nd season so—’Doh! How could I have missed it?!?!’

Next week on the Mole: We rehash the Popularity Game, then offer someone $50,000 to leave.

ME: Bet Anderson tries to take the money, but don’t worry, I’m on to his game. He’ll never be a respected newsman if I get my way.

KP: I think he already is a respected newsman.

ME: Oh no! I’ll fix this. Get me Julie Chen on the phone…