Our fifth episode begins with some crying and whining about the molers not seeing their loved ones for a whole two weeks! Al misses his kids, Heather misses her cats, Darwin misses his moustache... Typical reality show heart-string-tugging, so we're sure to see some info from home before the episode is over. It appears we're stuck in Vicenza, Italy. It's not really in the boot part of Italy, more like the thigh. Really close to the ass. Anderson thinks it's time for a game, and who are we to argue with a man of his...stature. The game is called “Think or Sink” and Andy needs three swimmers, three runners, and one who likes to talk. Katie's hand shoots up quicker than you can say "Cinnabon". She wants to be the talker, but Big Gay Al also wants to be the talker. Whiskerless Darwin chimes in, suggesting Al sit this one out since he's pretty much been involved in every game so far. Everyone else agrees, but Al can't handle it. He's fuming. Al looks like he's going to go apeshit.
In this game, the players will be asked four questions dealing with the history of Vicenza. Now I looked up Vicenza on the Internet, and man, what a boring town. All I could find was crap about the Ostragoths, Guelfs, and the Ghibellines. There was something about the "Risorgimento Movement", but that sounded like something I do after eating at Mexicali Express, so I didn't really delve much further. Anyway, Katie will read a question to one of the runners, who will then sprint through the city to find the answer and report it back to Katie. She'll put the answer up on the chalkboard, which has some letters in boxes. Those letters will have to be unscrambled to display the answer to the fourth question. Sounds easy, right? Well there's a twist! The three swimmers will be treading water the whole time, and every five minutes a half-kilo weight will be placed around one of their necks. When the swimmers quit treading, the game is over.
Elavia, Rob, and Dorothy are the runners, and they head for the center of town armed with a map and a cell phone. Darwin, Bribs, and Bill jump in the water and the first question is read to Rob. He has to find the name of a statue in front of some museum. He can't bring the map or the phone with him, so he gets lost for a while. Before he can even find the statue, Bill is choking down Italian pool water. Bill claims to have swum a mile in flight suit and thought he was a pretty good swimmer. Too bad that was 30 years ago! Rob finally comes back and reads the answer to Katie. After a few misspellings and a lucky guess from Darwin, we get a correct answer. "Giacomo Zanella." I think he played for the Red Wings. The second question is for Dorothy. She must report back the number of stairs behind the Arco del Barbarino, which would be really easy if she could FIND the Arco del Barbarino. She spends 25 minutes jogging, running, and barfing, and never does get to the stairs. Katie and a dozen monkeys with typewriters figure it out without her help anyway. By this time, Darwin had 5 weights around his neck and finally dropped out. All we have left in the water is our buddy, Bribs. The third question is read to Elavia. She must find out who's buried in Luigi Del Porta's tomb. It takes her a while, but eventually she comes up with the bright idea of speaking ITALIAN to an Italian person to figure it out. Whowouldathunkit? The first three questions are done, and Cooper reads the final one "Their love was sealed with "a righteous kiss” Katie must take the 15 letters from the boxes and use them to answer the final question. She then proceeds to use only 14 letters, even counting them twice to make sure she has them all. A lone "G" is all that's missing. By now Bribs has half-ton hanging around his neck and he doesn't last much longer and the game is over. Katie says that she feels like an idiot. All 7 million viewers at home simultaneously yell, "You look like one too!!!" at their TVs.
After a quick commercial break the molites return to the hotel, where Al states that he “Has a real problem with Darwin” He just won’t let this thing go and decides to confront Darwin. The exchange goes something like this:
Al: “Maybe you shouldn’t try to run the show”
Darwin: “I wasn’t trying to run the show!”
Al: “Yes, you were!”
Darwin: ”No, I wasn’t!”
Al: “Don’t wave your finger in my face!”
Darwin: “I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face!!”
And so on. I was hoping we might finally get to see some action on this show, but they end up shaking hands and making up like a couple pussies…dammit…
It’s now day 15, and the players emerge from their night of rest (drunken stupor) to find someone has vandalized their rented van with magnetic letters! It spells out “Mighty Goliath took a big fall, David or defeat, it’s your call” but the G’s are missing! Boy, those Mole 2 producers sure are clever. I’m impressed. There’s also a jumble of extra letters on the side, “ILLBAY ISYAY ETHAY OLEMAY” but nobody can figure out what it means…
Since they didn’t compete in the previous game, Heather, Myra, and Al get to do the next challenge. They are brought to a spooky and foreboding cellar with three jail cells about 10 feet apart from each other. A single lightbulb hangs in the center of the room, with a keychain loosely wrapped around it and a basket on the floor below it. A slingshot hangs from a hook near one cell, a chain of rocks near another, and a hacksaw above the third. Each cell has a cot, a blanket, and a pillow. (I’m having Dungeons and Dragon flashbacks!) Anderson explains the game: They will each be locked in a cell, and they have three hours to get the key and unlock themselves. If they succeed, they win $40,000 for the pot, and they get to take part in a teleconference with their loved ones back at the hotel. If they fail, they have to spend the entire night in the dark, dusty dungeon, with nothing but their wits to protect them. Andy snuffs the last torch, and the game is on. The only light is provided by the lone lightbulb, so as soon as it goes out, it’s all black. Heather and Myra immediately start removing their shoelaces, just in case they’ll need them, and Al starts removing his pants before he’s reminded that this isn’t “that kind of dungeon”. Heather manages to throw her shoe into the basket, with her shoelaces firmly attached. Myra ties a coat hanger to the end of a piece of wood and releases the slingshot from the hook, but ends up looking like a total goob trying to shoot rocks with it. They decide throwing them might be a better idea. After a few unsuccessful attempts, the light pops and the key falls into the basket. Heather pulls it toward her with the shoelace, and she’s got the keys! She unlocks herself, but before she can go let Myra and Al out, Anderson de-cloaks from the shadows. He gives her a choice. She can take an exemption at the next execution, but Al and Myra would have to spend the night in their cells, missing the teleconference from home, or she can refuse the exemption and let them both out. They get to keep the $40,000 either way. Heather doesn’t hesitate and takes the high road, unlocking the two jailbirds. Another chance for great TV squandered. Just imagine if Al got left in that cell for the entire night! Damn that woulda been fun to watch. He’d be screaming and throwing his own feces before sunrise!
We’re now treated to the teleconferences from home, each person weeps, cries, misses their relatives, etc. It’s just like last season, it’s just like every season on survivor, and it’s the same damn crap we’ve seen before. At least this time it doesn’t take very long. We quickly move on to the final dinner before the next execution. Magic-boy Rob finally has a trick for us! It’s a fascinating card trick involving the queen of hearts and Anderson punching Rob. Who could ask for better TV? Now that we have that tender moment out of the way, it’s time for the execution quiz. 10 questions regarding the identity of the mole, whoever gets the most questions wrong will be eliminated. Interspersed with the questions we hear the suspicions of different contestants. Katie thinks Dorothy could still be in Vincenza counting the steps. Dorothy is suspicious of our aquatically-challenged friend Bill. Rob hasn’t got a freakin’ clue who the mole is. After a tense tribal council, Anderson tallies the votes and the little thaumaturgical David Blain-wannabe Rob is sent packing. We’ll miss him, what with his spikey hair and…well there was that card trick…and that time he talked like Christopher Walken…what a character…
