Prologue (for those of you interested in why the show is still on hiatus):

Anderson Cooper faces the final three contestants. One is an attractive youngish woman whose promo tape talked about how sexy she was, accompanied by the sound of a zipper being unzipped. The second is a balding older man who boasted after being selected that he didn’t need the money, but that he deserved the money. The third is a shorter, somewhat younger man whose face is a little obscured in the opening shot.

Coop: “Well, you’ve all done very well, but now is the moment of truth. And the winner is … Paula!” Paula, clearly happy, leaps up to the front and hugs Coop. Coop continues, “Paula, honey, why don’t you and I go up to your trailer … or better yet, to my trailer … and talk about what to do next with all that money, OK?” And Paula and Coop go behind the green door…

The older man sits there, stunned. Then the other man walks over to him and says, “Yeah, Michael, I’m the Mole. Never figured it out, did you?”

Michael looks up … and finally sees the face clearly for the first time. “Jeffrey?”

“Who did you expect, Mickey Mouse? Yep, it’s me. I’ve been waiting to get you for a long time. You were so smug, pulling down that huge annual salary while denying that I was the brains behind your success. The way you shafted me when Frank Wells died, it just wasn’t right, baby. But now I’ve finally got you. Did you see which studio had two of the five Best Picture nominees last year? “Gladiator” swept the Oscars® – that’s my second Best Picture Oscar® for DreamWorks in a row – and “Almost Famous” picked up a lot of what was left. What did you have? Another Miramax movie, right? And everyone knows you’ve got nothing to do with Miramax. Hell, they wouldn’t even give Disney “Spy Kids” to distribute this year – that shows how worn out your shtick has become, Michael. And your animation – if it weren’t for Pixar, you’d be dead. Hey, wanna come over to my screening room and see ‘Shrek’? Hah!”

Michael starts to sweat. “I’m still the CEO of one of the dominant media corporations in the world. Jeffrey Katzenberg, for all your bluster, all you have is a little start-up.”

Jeffrey stares straight into his eyes, “Still deluded, eh, Eisner? Do you think the board of directors would just stand by while you do to ABC what you’ve already done to the Disney Studios? I mean, scheduling The Mole 2 on Friday nights – that’s got to be one of the dumbest moves in the entire history of television. Too late, buddy. The board’s waiting for you just behind that red door. It’s your time to exit. Hasta la vista, baby.”

Michael stands up. His legs are wobbly. Surely it is enough that he was humiliated in this game, isn’t it? The board couldn’t really want to take his job, too, could they? After all, if Disney cans him, he’d be through. No one would touch him after his breathtaking display of arrogance during the good times. But, as he opens the door, he sees that Katzenberg, The Mole, has been telling him the truth, for behind the door are ….

Michael Eisner wakes up. He is drenched in sweat. “Damn, it’s that same Mole nightmare. Now that Anderson Cooper joined up with Paula Zahn, it’s getting worse. I’ve gotta call the network right away and make sure that they don’t put The Mole 2 back on the air – I don’t know if I can live with these nightmares if they get any worse. Oh, and see about those bribes to the Academy – we can’t let ‘Shrek’ win the first Oscar® for Best Animated Picture!”

End of prologue … so now you know. Oh, and, in case you don’t believe me about the Paula Zahn promo tape with the “zipper” sound, read this. No wonder Coop joined up with her show on CNN. After all, how many network news anchorwomen advertise themselves by revealing their inner bimbos to the entire nation?

Now on to the show. Since the powers-that-be at ABC have apparently decided to keep their jobs and keep us from The Mole 2 for now, all I can do is recap the events of Episode 3 once again to keep the Mole spirit alive – especially since ABC said that they probably wouldn’t repeat these episodes when the series finally returns.

We’re back with the Molerons. Bob and Ali are gone. We get a series of confessionals from Al, Katie, Dorothy and Elavia … highlighting the show’s diversity, since we get to hear from three women of different ethnic heritages … but they confess nothing, just bleat out a series of empty platitudes. Uh, guys, your show is about to be cancelled — isn’t it about time to develop a little real personality? Well, if you’re terminally bland, I guess the answer to that question is no.

After the confessionals, we join the Moleroids at breakfast. Coop shows up just in time to humiliate everyone, which seems to be his main function on the show. (It seems to me that this show was misnamed. It should have been called “Public Humiliation,” because I’ve never seen a group of people look like such fools day in and day out. This show should be put up against “The Weakest Link,” and ABC could bill it as an opportunity to see people even more humiliated than with Anne Robinson … but I digress.)

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Coop politely calls the Moleroids deaf, dumb and blind, and then reminds them that they can’t even play pinball. Why? Well, remember those journals that everyone was asked to write their thoughts in before? One of them is lying in the center of the breakfast table. Al picks it up and finds that it is … the journal of The Mole! Haw haw haw.

Peroxide-blondie Rob says that the book is a trap and they should destroy it. Patrick the albino (isn’t there anyone on this show with normal coloring?) says that they’ve walked into all of The Mole’s traps so far, so why should this one be any different? This brilliant comment so dazzles Rob (does hydrogen peroxide soften the brain?) that he snatches the book from Al, but then Dorothy demands it so that she can read it aloud .. and she gets it, since Rob doesn’t want to admit illiteracy on national TV.

Basically, the Mole’s journal has nothing of consequence in it. In fact, all it does is give the producers, through Dorothy, an opportunity to rip into the two departed contestants (Remember them? Bob and Ali? Guess the producers were afraid that you’d forget.) once again, as well as stating the Mole’s “objectives” in general platitudes full of sound and fury but signifying nothing. The only interesting thing is that one of the objectives is to make the contestants beg. Beg for what? Money? An exemption? A roll in the hay? Before they can do that, it would be nice to know if the Mole is male or female (but even that wouldn’t matter to Jeff Varner from Survivor 2).…

Properly chastised, the Molebots scribble all of this down in their own journals. Then Coop has them choose a number between 1 and 11. They choose 4. Coop tells them that they will now be giving their journals (for good) to the fourth person on their left. The people who actually wrote in their journals, like Heather (whose journal goes to Bill) and Patrick (whose journal goes to Katie) are displeased. Katie tells Patrick that she won’t read it if he doesn’t want her to. Then she tells us in a confessional that she’d be nuts not to read it, no matter what Patrick says. Way to go, Katie! (Note: Does it seem to anybody else that Katie is getting a LOT of face time?) The others wonder whether this show could get any duller. They are about to get their wish.

Before they can read their new journals, the players are asked to choose someone trustworthy to recover a green envelope using only two pictures of a street. They choose Myra, and she finds the envelope quickly. So why bother with the pictures, if the envelope is right in front of her? For the visuals? Of a statue? OK, I admit that the statue showed more life than most of the Swiss do, but still…

The envelope starts the “Neutralizer” game, in which Myra is permitted to neutralize one person – which means that that person can’t get an exemption in this episode – and the kitty will go up by $10,000 if she does. Boy, that’s a tough choice to make. I guess the producers felt guilty after taking away $20,000 last week in Crapjack and decided to give some of it back. Naturally, everyone likes this game – except for whomever is getting neutralized, that is. And the game has plenty of visual excitement, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t relish shots of everyone sitting around a table looking bored to tears?

Myra quickly decides to neutralize one of the three people who have already had exemptions (Lisa-X, Dorothy, Elavia) and asks one of them to volunteer. Yeah, sure, in your dreams, tootsie. So then Myra asks for nominations. Darwin, who was one of the two players burned in last week’s “Gotcha, sucker!” challenge, immediately nominates Dorothy, who was one of the two burners. Bribs, who doesn’t seem to have a clue about the meaning of “under the radar,” immediately seconds the nomination, and Myra neuralizes Dorothy. Big deal.

Ah, but now comes the interesting part. One of The Mole’s “tasks” was to set the Molerons against one another. "Trustworthy" Myra, who has Katie’s journal, quickly tells Elavia that Katie called her a bitch in it. Boy, I like Katie more every episode – Elavia, of course, is a bitch, and she proves it by angrily confronting Katie – but then Elavia has to break off to give birth to a litter of puppies.

In fact, we get confessionals of several Moleys talking about what’s in the journal he or she got. We find out that, according to Katie, Patrick thinks the mole is either Darwin or Dorothy … or Elavia … or Bribs … or any one of the other contestants … or maybe even a cameraman or a passing alien. Dorothy says that Elavia wrote that Dorothy might be the mole because she’s unattractive. That’s when it hit me – Elavia isn’t the mole, she’s a vampire! Why? Because clearly Elavia has never seen her own reflection in a mirror. In fact, maybe Elavia is the mole – aren’t moles blind?

Oops, an abrupt cut – the first one of the year. But we’re still in Switzerland, on the banks of a lake in the mountains. Coop asks the Molerons to pick someone good at matchmaking. Ooh, must be some dates coming up. All right! Temptation Mountain, right around the corner! When the Molerons stand there like bumps on a log, Al volunteers to be matchmaker, perhaps so he can pair himself off with Heather. But … damn … no dates. The matches he has to set up are jousting matches on a very precarious bridge. Each Moleron will have to fight either “Little John” or “Little Jane” to cross the bridge. Make it across, win $5,000 for the kitty. Don’t make it, and lose a limb. (Remember “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”? Well, that’s the inspiration for this. Honest.... OK, you're right, they only get knocked in the water. But that's no fun!) And then there will be a second round, where the winners fight each other for an exemption.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

To begin, Lisa-X knocks Little Jane into the water. I guess some of the skills needed as a beer vendor really do come in handy in real life ... or at least the imitation reality of TV. But then Little John (who has to be paired off at least three times) knocks off Patrick and Jane knocks off Heather. Al suddenly figures out the strategy – use Jane to fight the people with half a chance of making it and John to fight the people who have no chance. Brilliant! So Admiral Bill fights Jane and wins, while little birdlike Dorothy fights John … nice swimming, Dorothy! Rob fights Jane and shows once again the effects of peroxide on the brain, as he leaps to dodge the stick … and falls directly into the water. Brainy move, dork.

Little Jane takes a shot at Myra’s head to see if it’s really empty, and Myra wins by disqualification. Bribs (who takes a shot at Jane’s head but gets away with it) and Darwin (who jumps back to land to avoid a plunge) also beat Janie, while Elavia gets wiped out by her ... and Katie, who seems to be about as coordinated as your average newborn infant, joins the Polar Bear Club by taking an icy dip against Johnny. Nevertheless, Al’s strategy pays off. Lisa-X, Bill, Myra, Bribs and Darwin all make it across, and Al is an automatic winner, so the Molerons pick up 25 big ones. Hooray, that’s $35,000 this episode added to the $56,000 carried over from last time …let’s see, that’s, uh, that’s … well, it’s beyond the computation skills of these Molerons, so I’ll just tell you that it’s $91,000. Perhaps this group of Molerons will earn enough money to not be embarrassed … or perhaps not.

In the battle for the exemption, Darwin beats Bribs in the first round. Then Al (who revealed that his strategy was to try to wear out the strong opponents) throws Admiral Billy out there, and he wipes up the field with Darwin, Lisa-X and Myra, leaving only Al … who fights to a draw the first time, then upsets the tired old man and wins the exemption. Coop, like the rest of the cast and crew, is standing around bored … and so Billy throws him into the drink when he isn’t looking. Haw haw haw.

To warm up, the Molebots go to a local spa and go swimming, giving the producers the chance to slip in several shots of a wet Heather, with the lights glistening off the water droplets on her slim … uh, where was I again? Oh yes. Coop approaches Al and allows him to pick one other Molebot to receive an exemption this time; he doesn’t have to reveal his choice until just before the execution test the next evening….

Who was it that said Survivor:Africa was boring?

At dinner, everyone confesses personal stuff. We see Bribs, Al and Lisa-X, but all we learn is that Bribs is looking for some hot dates. Bribs tries to set up an alliance with Heather, but she can recognize a loser when she sees one and turns him down. No “hands on the immunity pole” for this babe, nosiree. At least, not with Bribs. Now, if someone with a real name asked her…

Oops, another abrupt cut, as an entire day disappears (the cameramen’s day off, as shakes told us was the case on Love Cruise?). We’re at the execution dinner. Coopy asks the other players what they’d do with the exemption if they were in Al’s shoes. Heather says she’d give it to the weakest player left, to keep around someone you could beat. Bribs says he’d give it to someone like Heather. Uh, Bribs, didn’t you hear what she said? No wonder you aren’t going to score with her.

It doesn’t matter what they say, in the jealous games people play, ‘cause Al’s lips are sealed. But then he makes his choice (after everyone begs – more of the Mole’s “strategy” coming to pass, I guess, although it looks more like the producers’ strategy) and his lips come unsealed … at great length. Ultimately, he gives the exemption to Katie, because he made Katie and Dorothy fight Little John, and Dorothy has been neutralized. Katie is happy. Everyone else buys his explanation at face value. Who cares if it’s bogus? After all this chat, I need NoDoz™ just to get through the execution quiz…

Lisa-X tells us that it would be particularly bad to be executed in this episode, because yesterday was the deadline for her getting her job back from leave. Well … guess what, we have a tie for the honor of Most Clueless. Coopy tells us that in the event of a tie, the person who filled the form out the slowest gets the boot. And that person is … Lisa-X! Goodbye, Lisa. Sorry about the job. Have a nice life. (Oh, and take “Deep Mole” with you, ‘kay?)

Next time on The Mole 2: … Ah, come on, you already know that there IS no next time, don’t you? Didn’t you read Michael Eisner’s dream in the Prologue? This show is toast. Burned toast. Toastiloast to the most. -- Or maybe it’s Michael Eisner who is toast. Stay tuned … and keep reading FindTheMole.com for the latest info!