The show opens on confessionals. Al <The dork from New York, and this is bad, but I can’t think of anything so I’ll call him “New Dork”> says someone’s gonna bite the dust. He doesn’t care who. “Whoever goes down, goes down.” Katie <and I’m just going to call her “DQ” from now on; I haven’t decided yet if it stands for Drama Queen or Dairy Queen, but I’ll let you know when I do> doesn’t want to go home. She’s more into the game than ever. Dorothy says she’s no longer worried about the team. Elavia, who seems to have been placed in the echo chamber interview room <Hmmmm> says, “It’s it’s it’s a game game game, people ple ple. Why why why aren’t you enjoying ing ing yourselves elves elves?”
Enough of that, let’s move on to breakfast. The players are gathered around the breakfast table as Cooper, our bland host, explains to us, by way of voice over, that the first game is about to begin. Cooper informs the players that they’ve missed an obvious clue saying, “Your powers of observation leaves something to be desired.” The mole’s journal has been sitting in the middle of the table and none of the knuckleheads have noticed.
New Dork picks up the book and opens to the first page, which says, “Top Secret, property of the mole. If found, destroy. Do not read. That means you.” New Dork gets scared. Rob, the magician, <what’s a good magician name? He can make his hair really blonde, so about The Great HydroPeroxo> says it’s a trap and they should destroy it. Patrick says they’ve walked right into every trap the mole has set. <So why stop now? What? Are you supposed to continue ignoring it? Cooper all but handed it to you on a silver platter.> The Great HydroPeroxo snatches the book from New Dork.
Dorothy <She’s really small and I can’t think of a good name for her so I’ll just call her “Mini Me” - trite, I know> demands the journal and rereads the warning. <Is she asking for her own book back? Wouldn’t it be ironic (no, not raining-on-your-wedding-day ironic, I’m talking actual irony here) if she is the mole and she’s reading the players her own journal? Hmmmm.>
“Round one,” Mini Me recites, Bob <he left first so he’s obviously really named “Boob”> “was too easy. He spent too much time schmoozing the ladies.” <Cut to Boob. You know he’s either gone or dead because it’s a black and white shot.>
As we listen to Mini Me read the mole rip into Boob, New Dork covers his mouth and Elavia laughs. <Fashion note: Someone tell New Dork that wearing long underwear under a T-shirt may be fashionable in a warehouse in New Yawk, but in St. Moritz, he looks like a jackass. DQ is similarly clueless in a pink, horizontally striped (not a good choice, DQ) short-sleeved shirt with a yellow long-sleeved shirt underneath. Elavia, last week’s fashion expert is faring no better. She has a purple tank on, over a black shirt, and the combo isn’t flattering. But that eyebrow flares upward when she listens to Mini Me, and the fourteen muscles controlling it are swollen with overuse. I dub you “Super Brow.” I hope that’s not the only reason why she was picked for the show.>
Okay, back to Mini Me’s description. We cut to a black and white shot of Ali <Like she wasn’t pale enough in color? In black and white she looks like a reject from “The Others.”> Mini Me continues her flavor-free, monotone, mundane recitation with, “Her drink cost them. <Yeah, a whopping $2,000 and that was just as much, the energizer bunny’s fault, as it was hers.> She drowned her sorrows over Boob’s execution. Well, she joins her buddy now. Hope the rest get serious.” <Question for mole: Why? Wouldn’t that just make your job harder?>
“Round 3: “To Do” List,” Mini Me says. She then ticks off the mole’s upcoming tasks, one by one. They include, sabotaging the pot, pitting one against another, putting a chill down their spines and making them beg.
In their journals, the players write down this new information furiously. Cooper notes this and asks if their journals are important to them and what they write in them. <Good question, Cooper. Is that an example of your award-winning Channel 1 journalism? Possible answers: Darwin drafts odes to carrots, DQ draws pictures of burgers and Boob’s book was just blank.>
Patrick answers for the group <and this is brilliant>, “Secret stuff.”
Cooper asks them to give him a number from one to eleven. Lisa’s got her work clothes on (a Sox jersey that I imagine smells of beer and red hots). <And the combination of the getup and that haircut, tempt me to scream “Hey, Beer Man!” which is what I’m going to call her> The group settles on the number four.
Let’s-Hang-Mr.-Cooper tells them to hold up their journals and explains that they’ll all have the opportunity to gain insight into what one other player is thinking. Heather <I think I’m going to have to call her “Thumper;” she’s a little too attached to that bible and well…I’d like to thump her.> looks scared. New Dork hides his face. Myra sips her coffee? <Hmmmmm. She’s shady. I think she’s the mole so I’m going to call her “Molera.”>
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Cooper instructs the players to rotate their journals four players to the left. There is a group groan, but the players begrudgingly comply. <After much rewinding and pausing, I’m able to determine the seating arrangement, which is as follows:
Lisa Rob Al Myra Heather Elavia
Katie Bribs Dorothy Bill Patrick Darwin>
So, Lisa gets Bill’s journal. Rob gets Dorothy’s. Al gets Bribs’s. Myra gets Katie’s. Heather gets Lisa’s. Elavia gets Rob’s. Darwin gets Al’s. Patrick gets Myra’s. Bill gets Heather’s. Dorothy gets Elavia’s. Bribs gets Darwin’s and Katie ends up with Patrick’s journal.
When they’re done, Cooper tells them that the journals they are now holding are their new journals. They can do with them what they please. He adds that <and boy is this a great ad lib> if there is anything juicy in there about him they should let him know. <I caught a peek of New Dork’s, Bribs’s and Patrick’s journals and it seems they all wrote down that they didn’t like the extra touching during the second part of the clothesline game which took place back at the hotel.>
Thumper was really expressive in her journal. New Dork is worried that his thoughts are going to someone else. <Shouldn’t be a problem. If he writes in that thick New Yawk accent, no one will understand what the f_ck he’s saying anyway.> Super Brow feels bad for Patrick who’s been keeping “copious notes.” She adds that his face went red <but that’s common for albinos. The room lights were WAY too bright. I think he was burning. His eyebrows ARE white. I think I’ll call him “Powder,” which as far as I’m concerned is his new name.> Powder feels like he’s opened up his soul to DQ through his journal. <What’s the big deal, Powder? You’ve already opened your pants to the 68 people watching this show all over the country. This should be no big deal.>
Powder asks Cooper if they can do with the books “what we will.”
Cooper says, “Depends.”
Powder asks, “Can we trade them back?”
Cooper says, “No.”
At this point, Darwin <Note to Darwin: Even though you shave your head, we can still see that you’re balding, baldy. Let’s call him “Kojak”> has either bitten into something rotten or he thinks Powder’s question is stupid <Which it is. Powder, if you can just trade the journals right back again, what’s the point of even having this game?> Kojak is making the ugliest faces behind Powder’s back. Play nice, Kojak.
Cooper also adds that they cannot destroy the journals. DQ tells Powder that she won’t read his journal if he doesn’t want her to. Surprise! Powder doesn’t. <At this point, I’m thinking, “If you don’t read Powder’s journal, you’re out of your mind, Katie.”>
Kojak says, “If you don’t read that, you’re out of your mind, Katie.”
“Holy Schnikes! There’s no room in here!” <DQ is a bit more cunning than I or any of the players are giving her credit for, because in an interview she says it would by silly if she didn’t read it.>
Before the players can digest what’s in their new journals, the next game begins. Cooper tells the players to choose a trustworthy player to find and retrieve a green envelope using two photographs of a street scene (presumably where the envelope is located). The players elect Molera “most trustworthy” <Thumper, somewhat inconspicuously, doesn’t raise her hand when everyone votes for Molera> and Molera sprints off and finds the envelope sitting under a statue. The green envelope contains a green card that says, “Neutralizer” on it.
Cooper reads it out loud. It seems the players will receive $10,000 if Molera neutralizes one player for this round of the game. A player who is neutralized cannot receive an exemption until after the next execution. <I’m thinking it would SUCK to get neutralized.> Molera wants to talk about it. She says, “Before she PULLS THE TRIGGER, blah blah blah.” <Hello? Wasn’t this like the only clue last season that made any sense? Kathryn said, “let’s pull the trigger” or something in a game involving a gun. Hmmmmm.> She thinks it would be fair to neutralize someone who has already received an exemption. Hey, Beer Man looks pissed. Mini Me and Super Brow should too since they’ve both had exemptions. But they don’t. <Hmmmmm.>
Molera asks, out of those three, “Are there any volunteers?” <Ha! Is she kidding? Who would be stupid enough to volunteer to be neutralized? What a stupid question. Or is it? (And here’s why even if you hate this game, it makes you want to watch and think -- no small feat for me.) The chances at this point in the game of any one player getting an exemption are small. Granted, it is huge to receive one, but any player who volunteered to be neutralized would plant suspicion into all the other players’s heads. Why would anyone do that? Are they not worried about getting executed? Are they just screwing with our minds? But no one is that smart or brave in this group.>
Molera then asks for nominations and before the sentence has fully left her lips, Kojak’s pimple nominates Mini Me. Bribs <this guy is skinny as hell. I’m going to call him “Ribs”> seconds that emotion. Molera neutralizes her. Mini Me fumes and Molera escapes without a stitch of blame for neutralizing Mini Me. <Excellent mole strategy, Molera. Molera flies right back under the radar. Remember the mole’s “To Do” list? Pit one against the other. Check. Hmmmmm.> Dorothy can receive no exemption this round and she’s mad at Kojak and Ribs because of it. “What a rude thing to do!” she says. <If I were her (poor grammar but it sounds so much better than “if I were she” doesn’t it?), I wouldn’t forget this.
Mini Me says, “I’m going to remember this!”
Molera explains that she got DQ’s journal. <Cut to DQ with her mouth full.> DQ asks Molera to cross out the nasty words she wrote about someone in her journal. Molera does so, but apparently memorizes them first and presumably tells them to Super Brow. Super Brow grills DQ about it. She asks why DQ wrote that “someone” was a ##### after only one week of knowing this “person.” <Okay, Super Brow, cut the innuendo. We all know she was talking about you.> DQ meekly says she may or may not have written nasty things. <Smooth move DQ, she’ll never know you said those things now. That’s sure to throw her for a loop. Meanwhile, Super Brow is becoming my favorite player because> Super Brow tells DQ that if Super Brow wrote those things, she would have just lied to DQ's face when asked about it instead of being so wishy-washy about it.
Super Brow advises DQ to read Powder’s detailed journal. DQ acts like she won’t. But, “I’m going to share info with Thumper from the book,” DQ says privately. <Well, as privately as it gets in reality TV land -- she tells the cameraman.> DQ also tells us that Kojak, Super Brow, Mini Me and Ribs are on Powder’s mole list.
Super Brow tells us The Great HydroPeroxo hasn’t written anything in his journal. But under his “Mole Observations” section, Super Brow is the only one listed. He also wrote that Super Brow winked at him. <She is definitely my favorite player because> She tells us that she decided to wink at him every chance she got from then on. <Now THAT’S how you mess with someone’s head.>
Mini Me ends up with Super Brow’s journal. Mini Me tells us that she is one of Super Brow’s suspects because, as it says in Super Brow’s journal, Mini Me isn’t very attractive. <That seals it. I love Super Brow. Funny, manipulative and catty. Mini Me isn’t too bad in my book either. She laughs almost as much as I do.>
Hey Beer Man explains to Mini Me why Mini Me is seen as devious. “People tend to equate quietness for deviousness,” she says. Hey Beer Man doesn’t think she’s that devious though, because she forms a coalition with her, further screwing Kojak. Kojak’s not your average fool, though. <He’s an exceptional fool.> Hey Beer Man told him she hadn’t yet committed to forming a coalition with Mini Me, but Kojak encourages her to do jus that. It seems he wants more information on Mini Me. But can he trust Hey Beer man? Hey Beer Man then says that neither Kojak nor Mini Me know that she is double agent. <Sneaky. I like it.>
Cut to: Cooper standing next to a lake in the mountains. He asks the group to select a player who is good at matchmaking. While they stand there with their thumbs up their asses, New Dork raises his hand to volunteer. “Okay,” says the herd and New Dork goes to stand next to Cooper.
Cooper describes the next game. The players have to cross a makeshift bridge made of two logs, tied together. For each player that makes it across, $5,000 will be added to the pot. <Okay. Easy game. I’m thinking they have twelve people. They get $5,000 for each successful crossing. This team should win at least 25,000 bucks. But wait! There’s more to the game.> Cooper explains that the players will have to use giant tampons to battle “Little John” and “Little Jane,” two rather large individuals. Whoever gets knocked into the water loses <Send a chill up their spine? Cross another task off the mole’s list of things to do. I can’t wait for someone to get clocked.> The first round is worth money and the second round will be a fight for an exemption. <Sorry, Mini Me, none for you. You’ve been neutralized.> New Dork must choose who fights Jane and who fights John in the first round. At least three players must fight John. In the second round, the players will fight each other. The last player standing fights New Dork for the exemption.
The players don wet suits <wimps> and practice their moves. Hey Beer Man goes first and New Dork chooses Little Jane as her opponent. The two clash tampons <and Hey Beer Man imagines she’s at work, it’s the playoffs and she needs to elbow her way past another beer man to make a sale.> Hey Beer Man knocks Jane off and crosses the bridge.
Powder’s up next. <He should have worn his Speedo. Maybe when John looked down and started laughing, he could have snuck by him. But since he has to fight,> John makes quick work of him.
Thumper, who told someone she used to be a gymnast, is next to fight Jane. <Her event must have been balance beam, because before Jane gets within five feet of her, she makes a perfect dismount.> Splash. <I think I hear Bart Conner scream, “And she sticks the landing! Tens all around, even from the Afghani judge.” Would the mole fall off without so much as a whisper from Jane? Maybe. Thumper either took a dive or someone tied the laces on her wet suit booties together. Hmmmm.>
Bill <a retired Rear Admiral, so what better name than “Admiral Rear”> manhandles Little Jane. And then Mini Me explains how she had to battle Little John. Not much of a match here. <She should have taken a dip before she got on the bridge because wet, she must weigh ninety pounds. Dry, she weighs about seventy and she’s too weak to even hold her extra EXTRA absorbent tampon. But holy smokes, she manages to pull off an upset! She…okay, who am I kidding?> Splash.
The Great HydroPeroxo is up next and he does his best Bruce Lee imitation. <He must be strong, though, because I think his tampon weighs more than he does and he can lift it quite easily.> New Dork, using his unusually thick accent selects Jane as his opponent. <But The Great HydroPeroxo has a trick up his wet suit sleeve for Jane. He steps on the log, talking trash, and poof! He disappears. Everyone applauds until they figure out he was under water the whole time. A magician should never reveal his secrets.> In the water = loss.
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Little Jane is mad that the competition is so poor and decides to go headhunting. Lucky for Molera this is against the rules. She gets a free pass and a headache.
Four players remain. Ribs makes short work of Little Jane. He sends her flying from the bridge. <Way to treat a lady, Ribs.>
Next up? Super Brow. She is set to fight Little Jane too. <But she’s got a plan. Super Brow nails her feet to the bridge to prevent splash down. Unfortunately, she didn’t think this through and> Jane whacks her in the back. Super Brow does a face plant in the lake while her feet stay dry on the log. Thumper shakes her head at the poor dismount. Kojak shines his head because he’s up next.
<Question: Should New Dork have DQ fight John or should he have Kojak fight him?> New Dork is sure he can beat DQ <who secretly has mastered the sumo arts> in a one on one match, but he’s not so sure about Kojak. Kojak stands a better chance of beating Little Jane and earning the team money, so Kojak <who looks like a tootsie roll pop in that wetsuit with no hair -- that's more irony, people. Kojak looks like a lollipop> fights Little Jane. Jane <now a tampon ninja> knocks Kojak off the log, but luckily he is able to jump back to land and Jane falls in the lake.
DQ, up next, squats, slaps her thighs, stomps her left foot, then her right, grabs her tampon and engages Little John. John takes the first blow and then knocks DQ in. <As DQ pulls herself back ashore, we are treated to a great shot of her ass. Thanks Stone/Stanley. That’ll make everyone want to tune in. Good thing wet suits don’t come in horizontal stripes.>
In the fight for the exemption, New Dork pits Kojak against Ribs. Ribs gets licked by the lollipop. Admiral Rear then proceeds to trash Kojak, Hey Beer Man and Molera. So, the title bout is Admiral Rear vs. New Dork. New Dork pulls off the upset and prances around in a victory dance disturbingly similar to the dance he did last episode when he first <we think it was a first> put on the women’s underwear.
The players then decide that Cooper should play too. Admiral Rear, Hey Beer Man and Kojak approach the host and throw him in the water. Admiral Rear, <remembering his navy days, when a man gets lonely and must turn to another man for…uh, companionship> jumps Cooper and rides him into the drink. Everyone laughs and laughs. <Cooper checks his contract and calls his agent.>
Thumper whines because the game favored the boys. Hey Beer Man doesn’t mind that New Dork got the exemption because she doesn’t think he’s a very strong player. <Hey Beer Man, don’t you know reality show etiquette? NEVER say something like that. It means you’re next.>
The players relax at a local spa. They get to go swimming and sit in uncomfortable chairs. <We’re only treated to two or three cheesecake shots of Thumper and Super Brow. Now I’m sorry Ali is gone.> While they relax, Cooper reveals to the players the second benefit <drawback?> to winning the bridge game. New Dork gets to choose one other player to receive a second exemption. <Ah. Make ‘em beg. The mole check another of the “To Do” list.> He has to announce his choice at the next execution dinner. We get lots of shots of New Dork thinking hard. <At least I’m guessing he’s thinking, but I have no real evidence of this.> Kojak notices that Powder is the first player trying to convince New Dork to give him the exemption. <You better start begging too, Kojak.>
At dinner, players “open up” to each other and start sharing personal information. Cooper reminds us that the players know this information could end up on the quiz.
Ribs has been waiting for this since Ep 1. Since he’s using The Mole as a dating service, he makes the most of this opportunity to share by looking, first at Thumper and then at all the teeny boppers watching <who else is watching on a Friday night? Uh, I mean, besides, me> and saying he has a fear of commitment and just wants adventure. <Translation? I’m available and fun to date, ladies!>
New Dork explains that his biggest fear is being a nobody. <Just wait until after the show gets taken off the air, in like ten minutes.> This is what drives him to be the best family man he can be. <Yawn. Am I missing something? Do family men leave their families to go prancing around Europe in women’s underwear, taking breaks only to eat at nice restaurants, sleep in fancy hotels and play silly, pointless games?>
Hey Beer Man fears “failure and losing.” <Uh oh. See? I told you not to say someone else was a weak player. Now you’re stuck in Foreshadow Land. Everything you say for the rest of this episode will tip us off that you’re next to go. Good job.>
After dinner, back at the hotel, Thumper and Ribs discuss a possible coalition. Thumper, who already has a coalition with DQ, tells Ribs she doesn’t think coalitions work in this game. <Hmmmmm. Secretly, though, she wants to dump DQ as a coalition mate because they just share information. A coalition with Ribs brings with it the possibility of swapping information, and more importantly, spit.>
Cut to the execution dinner where Cooper asks how the players would decide to give away the exemption if they were in New Dork’s shoes. Kojak says he’d give it to his prime mole suspect. Thumper would donate it to a player who she thinks is the weakest. Ribs would give it to someone he’d like to hang out with. <DQ would trade it for food.>
Decision time. New Dork must now reveal his choice to receive the exemption. He tells us that Admiral Rear told him not to give Admiral Rear the exemption because he didn’t ‘uuuuuurn” it. Kojak thinks Admiral Rear is full of shhh. <So do we. Admiral Rear’s reverse-psychology mind-game backfires. New Dork grants Admiral Rear’s <dubious> request and decides not to give him the exemption. New Dork continues to ramble on and on about his decision <Helloooo? This isn’t “Who Wants to be a Millionaire OR high school math -- there's no need to show your work, New Dork. Fugheddaboudit.> and ends up picking DQ because she had to fight Little John. <I see. Pity. It’s the only way DQ would ever get this exemption.> DQ is happy and lets out a sigh of relief. <or a fart, I’m still not sure> Everyone toasts New Dork. New Dork, in an interview reveals that the real reason he gave it to DQ was because he believes she is a weak player and wants to keep her around. <Nice. But weren't you paying attention to what I said to Hey Beer Man? It’s a good thing you have an exemption this round, New Dork, or you would have just moved yourself and your mole bag onto Foreshadow Boulevard, right next door to Hey Beer Man.>
Okay. Pot’s at $91,000. It’s time to take The Quiz.
We watch as they scroll through the questions. Admiral Rear thinks it could be Thumper. Super Brow thinks it could be Mini Me. Hey Beer Man says, “It can’t be a good feeling to be executed. Tonight would be particularly bad,” since yesterday was the last day she could get her job back. <She just moved into the biggest house on Foreshadow Boulevard. Note to producers: WE GET IT! SHE’S NEXT! STOP BEATING ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!>
Cut to The Execution. New Dork and DQ have exemptions. Cooper tells us that in the event of a tie, the slowest person <that’s temporal, not mental slowness, although I suppose the two are synonymous under the circumstances> to answer the questions gets the boot. Good thing he explained that, because this time we have a tie!
Cooper enters the names into the computer. Green screen pops up. You stay. Red screen? You go. <And take your shhh with you.> Cooper tells us, “As always, I will be entering your names randomly.” <I says, “Yeah, right.” How can you drag out the drama if the names are entered randomly?>
Thumper…GREEN! <She shows relief by flipping her head back in slow mo like she’s having an orgasm. DQ also looks relieved. But who knows when the last time she had an orgasm was.
Powder…GREEN! <Powder closes his eyes and sticks out his tongue -- his expression of relief. Or maybe the lights are just too bright again.>
Kojak…GREEN! <Big reaction. Sigh, smile, laugh.>
Mini Me…GREEN! <Stone face melts into a smile>
<IT’S ABOUT THAT TIME…>
Hey Beer Man…RED! She’s shocked and everyone in the room ooohs and ahhhhs. Kojak rubs his head. <That’s another coalition mate down the drain. Hmmmmm.>
Cooper escorts her out and we watch a montage of tender Hey Beer Man moments. She wishes Mini Me and Kojak luck. Cooper hugs her and shoves her into the blue Audi. She says, “Call me if you’re in Chicago.” Cooper says, “We’ll go to a ball game.” <I says, “Yeah, right.>
So, that’s it for The Mole. Join the players next time when…Oh wait. This just in…ABC is pulling The Mole for poor ratings. <I caught the foreshadowing. Did you? They put it on Friday nights for Chrisakes.>