The Mole 2: The First Episode Summary

Wow, what a show. Where do I begin? Oh yeah, at the beginning. Our first location? High in the Swiss Alps(Is there a "low" in the Swiss Alps?). The "contestants" were blindfolded when they arrived, hopefully to avoid the scornful looks from their friends and family for auditioning for this putrid stench of a show. Our fearless host, Cooper Anderson (Anderson Cooper? Only his mother knows, or cares) appears to let us know that we're "completely disoriented, and it's only going to get worse." Truer words have never been spoken. Coopy proceeds to explain the rules. 14 players, one is a double agent, quiz at the end of each episode, lowest scorer leaves immediatly, yada yada yada, you've all heard it before so let's meet the contestants!

Al -- a distribution manager from Selden, NY. What a goofus! This guy is dorkier than that Michael guy from Love Cruise.
Katie -- a spanish teacher from Penacook, NH. Finally a chubby chick on a reality show. Fat-bottomed girls make the world go round!
Ali -- a nurse from Chicago, IL
Bill -- a retired rear admiral/surgeon from Oak Harbor, WA
Myra -- an acrophobic airline pilot from San Diego, CA
Dorothy -- token musician from NY, NY
Bob -- a financial consultant from Redlands, CA
"Bribs" --a Ski instructor from Austin, TX
Darwin -- an Attorney from NY, NY
Patrick -- a Mole from Plainsboro, NJ
Heather -- PR account supervisor from Dallas, TX
Evalia -- Sales rep from Passaic, NJ
Lisa -- Asst. US Attorney/Beer Vendor from Chicago, IL
and finally
Rob -- Videographer/Magician from Rochester Hills, MI (watch him make his lunch reappear soon)

Bill and Darwin are chosen as "Born Leaders" and will assign the rest of the losers to the different tasks. They get about 45 seconds to interview the others and make their decisions.

Bill: Do you do any outdoor stuff?
Rob: I don't really leave my house, except for work, because it takes me 2 hours each morning just to make my hair look "messy"

Chicken Coop explains the first game to Bill and Darwin. 12 players will participate in three games
1. Bike-Crossbow Biathlon
2. Pulse Rope Walk
3. Crotch-tethered Swing for Life
They will choose the participants in each game and bet on the likelyhood of the players to complete each task. $40,000, $20,000 and $0

Bob goes first on the Bike-Crossbow thing. He coasts down the hill (does he know there's a time limit?) picks up two arrows, struggles back up the hill, first arrow misses, second one, BULLSEYE! Yay, Bob, yay! (betcha didn't think I could get a palindrome into a summary, didya!) Bibs is next, he flies down the hill like he's runnin' from the law. Brings back the two arrows, first one misses, second one BULLSEYE! Rob is the last one down. Damn, has this kid ever ridden a bike before? He looks more awkward than Michael from Love Cruise in a Salsa dancing contest. He gets the two arrows and barfs his way back up the hill. First shot, BULLSEYE!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

No time to celebrate, it's on to the Pulse Rope Walk. Heather, Lisa, Myra and Al will compete, walking across a tightrope high in the trees. The last person has to go twice, the second time on a higher rope. All the while, they're hooked up to a heart monitor and have to stop if they go over 130bpm. Heather goes first, easy as pie, the monitor doesn't go above 75. Myra walks next, terrified to be 20 feet of the ground hooked to a safety line but has no problem piloting a 60-ton hunk of steel hurtling through the air at 500 miles per hour. Go figure. She's through easy, so is Lisa. Al doesn't even get the harness on before his monitor starts beeping solid (Maybe Darwin shouldn't be the one hooking up his ass-strap). Myra offers to "massage his artery" but Al declines. 45 minutes later, Al thankfully makes it to the end and we can move on.

Finally we get to the third game, the Swing for Life/Death. 5 people, one at a time, will jump off the bridge and swing like a monkey over a raging river. What is this, Survivor? When Anderson asks who wants to go first, Labia blurts out "I'll go last!" Hmmmm...very suspicious. Ali goes first, interrupting Coopie's lunch, no problem. Katie is next, her final words are "tell Michael J Fox I love him" (no, I didn't make that up). Dorothy keeps her eyes closed the whole time, Patrick screams "Geronimo!" and flies down no-handed. (hmmm...almost like he's prepared for it, like he's done it before...hmmm) Andy offers Eblandia an exemption, which she wisely accepts. They don't get any money for that event, but it doesn't matter anyway because the BL's (Born Leaders) bet the farm on the Bike-crossbow and Pulse Rope walk events. $60,000 in the kitty already, they're on pace to earn a helluva lot more than that Steven loser from last year.

We are then escorted through the darkness to a mountain hut. Cooper stumbles through the door and greets the players, "welcome to my mountain hut". Who writes this crap, Kathryn from the first Mole? Oh yeah, I guess she does.

The players are given journals where they have to write down as much information about the other people as possible. Katie and Heather discuss creating an alliance, but settle on a coalition instead. "I trust you" "No, I trust you" "Nooooo, I trust YOU!" Birbs was cleaning out his garage and found an old ventriloquist dummy, a left-handed rake, and a cow-shaped teapot. Too bad he didn't find a little can of Mole-Killer because that would have been HILARIOUS!

After hours and hours of taking notes about the other players, they are taken out to the quarry and beaten about the head. Whoops, sorry, daydreaming there for a minute. Some arsonist lights a bonfire, and we find the mole-sters (no, not molesters) luggage hanging from a crane a mere 100 feet above the raging inferno! Katie bursts into tears because her favourite dildo is in that bag! You know, the black and white spotted furry one. She's had it since she was 12. Ali, Dorothy, Katie, and Patrick are selected to answer questions about thier fellow molemates. They will be asked 8 questions for $40,000. If they get one question wrong, no money. Get 4 questions wrong, bye-bye bags. It's an intense round of questions but they get ALL OF THEM WRONG and it's burn, bags, burn. Didn't anyone take notes in their Mole 2 Journals? We are then treated to a bunch of sob stories about their lost belongings. Watch for all the personal effects to reappear in one of the upcoming episodes. I guarantee it.

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A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Finally, it's Execution Time. I thought it would never get here. The moleys are given their first quiz.

1. Is the mole male or female?
2. Does the mole wear glasses?
3. Did the mole have a good BM this morning?

The results are tallied, the tension mounts, we see a few green fingerprints and finally the big red one comes up on BOB, our palindromatic friend. He is 86'd and escorted off the premises to be driven home in sweet blue Audi. Did I mention the Mole 2 is sponsored by Audi? (I'm expecting my check any day now.) We are then treated to some of our favourite Bob-related moments. What a letdown. damn...I miss Manuel...

I'm sorry if this summary wasn't as clever as the ones written by that Michael guy from Love Cruise. He's got an unfair advantage because he's got 200 grand that he won on a lame-ass reality dating show. I can't compete with that.

Dusty.